Hein Kaiser
Journalist
7 minute read
21 Apr 2022
11:26 am

Why do many people secretly want a threesome? A sexual wellness coach reveals all

Hein Kaiser

Threesomes rank amongst the top sexual fantasies of all time.

Picture: iStock

Multiple partner fantasies and, particularly threesomes, rank amongst the top five sex play fantasties of all time. Google it. Scroll through naughty groups on social media. It’s all there, and everybody wants it, despite many denying it openly.

According to sexual wellness coach Lindiwe Rasekoala, we all think about the naughties, and it’s a turn-on of note for any imagination.

Whether or not it ever materialises in the real world, that’s another matter.

Rasekoala elaborated on loving fantasies for The Citizen, zooming in on everyone’s lustful longing for a threesome.

Why do many people secretly want a threesome? What is so attractive about it?

A threesome is a fantasy.

Almost everyone in the world will fantasise about one thing or another in their lifetime.

Some even fantasize daily. A threesome is probably the most common of fantasies. Fantasies turn us on.

They either remain in your head or you can make them a reality. Who doesn’t want to be turned on?

Whether physically or mentally? Fantasies generally fall under three categories: group sex, forbidden places, or power play.

The attraction comes from feeling validated, wanted and being the centre of attention or desire to more than one person simultaneously. This fantasy is an easy way of adding some novelty to a monogamous relationship.

Stereotyping young people as the population segment that is most likely to engage in threesomes is false, as even older people who desire to spice up their sex lives may experiment with it.

I want a threesome, how do I manage it with my partner?

Threesomes are probably the easiest fantasy to bring to life from an idea perspective, but in practice, it is probably one of the most difficult and confusing subjects to broach in real life.

There are certain things that one can do to try and make this process smoother and easier but every person is different and a one size fits all approach may not work for everyone, so emotional intelligence, discernment and sensitivity are of utmost importance.

Articulate your desire.

Bring up the idea in an informal social setting. This may be at dinner with friends or watching a series or movie that has people engaging in threesomes.

Get an idea of where your partner’s head is at about the possibility, without them having to mentally involve themselves.

This will inform how you approach the topic when it is specific to your relationship.

Let your opinion be heard so your partner is aware of your stance.

Once an understanding is acquired, ask your partner what fantasy they would like to engage in.

Asking them first shows that you are considerate of their desires and wants too.

Naturally, the next question would be about what you desire and this is where you can raise the idea of a threesome.

This method feels less forced and will more likely make your partner want to please you since your concern is to please them, too.

Now that an understanding and agreement have been reached, decide whether you would be more comfortable with a stranger or someone that is known to either or both of you.

Decide if you would like it to be planned or spontaneous

Take note that all options come with risk.

If it ends up being a stranger and spontaneous, a more stringent vetting process is required to ensure your protection as well as the chemistry between all parties involved.

If it is planned and someone that is known, the risk involves potentially complicating the already existing relationship, and either of the parties involved sees a potential shift in emotions and feelings.

Be clear and sure about what you want and communicate it effectively with your partner.

Now that the scene has been decided on, consider your intention.

ALSO READ: 7 Ways to spice up your sex life

What do you want to get out of this experience?

Make sure to set clear boundaries and establish what your partner’s “hard no’s” are. Decide on what you will or won’t consent to from a sexual act perspective.

For example, do you want kissing involved, will the third-party sleep over and so on.

This will help you have a very important conversation with the guest to establish what their sexual history is, too.

Protection is of utmost importance

You want to ensure all parties are aware that this is a safe space and protective sex is key.

This doesn’t have to be boring though or kill the mood.

Choose a form of protection that all parties can use and enjoy.

I recommend Skyn condoms as it has a wide range that you can choose from, depending on your desire.

From condoms that have additional lube to condoms that are thinner than what you’re used to, to give you a more sensitive feel or even if you’re concerned about being a little larger than the average, today, protection selection is also a pleasure selection.

Once all important conversations have been bedded down, toys, accessories, and what protection is best has been decided, set a date.

Once the date has been chosen, confirm with your partner that they’re consenting.  

Once again, go over your rules and boundaries one more time, relax and have fun.

When it is not a spontaneous event, would it not feel contrived?

Yes, there is a high possibility that an arranged agreement can feel somewhat artificial. Depending on whether the person is a known party or a stranger, this can be avoided.

To avoid this, make sure all are aware of the rules and boundaries up front.

Be aware though, that too many rules run the risk of extinguishing spontaneity.

Ensure all parties that spontaneity and improvisation are encouraged to make the experience fun, outside of these rules and boundaries.

If you’re emotionally mature and stable enough to consent to a threesome, make sure that the person you’re selecting is on the same level of awareness.

This can be ensured by finding someone that is sex-positive and open-minded.

People who embark on threesomes require the ability to handle powerful, varying and unsolicited emotions.

Keep in mind and remind everyone that those who engage in threesomes generally rely on primitive emotions and actions.

Go with the flow and remember that even with all the planning in the world, things may not go according to plan but make sure that the goal is to have fun and pleasure for all parties involved.

What happens when the afterglow wears off?

Depending on who the threesome is with, will determine the aftermath of a spontaneous event.

Should the person be a stranger, you are more likely to leave the experience feeling exhilarated and accomplished.

You may never have to encounter them ever again and all you do is notch it up to a wild, freaky and fun experience.

However, should you have this spontaneous event with a friend, the outcome may not always be as simple.

Threesomes open your relationship up to outside influences.

Your relationship and view towards the third party will always change, whether it’s for the positive or negative.

Existing friendships and especially romantic relationships could potentially be awkward as the memory will always be attached to them.

Your attraction toward the third party may suddenly emerge.

There are a lot of stigmas surrounding sex that make people have preconceived ideas around how you may be viewed or how you even view yourself.

There is also the potential element of shame.

Although sex doesn’t make you promiscuous or a bad person, sometimes straying from conventional sex won’t put self-deprecating thoughts out of your mind.

Feelings of being used, worthless or even dirty, are potentially anticipated.

Affirmations of yourself and reassurance of those you engage with could prevent these feelings from anchoring in your self-perception.

What you do in the bedroom is your own business, but regardless of these potential feelings, you have the right to embrace your sexuality and express yourself as you please.