Learn the difference between being a caregiver and a caretaker
“There are crucial differences between caretaking and caregiving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are caregiving rather than caretaking,” Chantal Grotto said.
ToughLove facilitator Chantal Grotto from Benoni provided an in-depth explanation of being a caregiver and a caretaker, especially during this pandemic.
“There are crucial differences between caretaking and caregiving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are caregiving rather than caretaking,” Grotto said.
“You can view caretaking and caregiving on a continuum. We usually aren’t doing both at the same time. The goal is to do as much caregiving as we can and to decrease our caretaking as much as we can.”
According to Grotto, caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed, while caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.
“We want to change so we can experience more peace, more contentment and more fulfilling relationships,” she said.
“The people in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modelling caregiving is a huge gift you are giving to your loved ones.”
Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:
• Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energises and inspires you.
• Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honours them.
• Caretaking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
• Caretakers don’t practise self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
• Caregivers practise self-care unabashedly because they know keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
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• Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
• Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for them.
• Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem-solving capabilities.
• Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
• Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health.
“As with changing any behaviour, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum,” Grotto explained.
“It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process, but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.”
If you may be struggling with co-dependency or would simply like to learn more about the programme contact Chantal Grotto on 082 372 3039 or at toughlovebenoni@gmail.com
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