The men are wearing shiny three-piece suits and the women’s skirts and dresses match their shoes.
They walk briskly, clutching their scarves to their chests and pulling their coats closed. All carry Bibles in handbags and hands with small notebooks and hymn books, tithes and offerings in wallets and purses.
It’s Sunday morning.
Around 80 percent of South Africans follow the Christian faith, so if you’re reading this, you’re probably a churchgoer and have been for most of your life. You know what it’s like to stay up the night before or to wake up early and decide what you’re going to wear. Every church has a dress code and everyone must follow it. You are raised by your parents and pastors to believe that what you wear really matters.
Not every church has a strict dress code. But every church has a code of unwritten rules that everyone is expected to follow. It’s not like you would get kicked out of church for not following the rules, but the disapproving looks from everyone around you are enough to keep you in line. Besides that, you fear being pulled aside and rebuked by an older woman. You’re scared of the consequences of not conforming and there is constant pressure to meet the invisible standard.
You work hard to follow the rules because you want to please everyone around you and maybe please God. You think that if you can keep up the outward appearance of looking good then everyone will think you’re all good on the inside and you will be acceptable.
The problem is not the rules or other people’s judgement of you. The problem is your belief that those rules can somehow make you more acceptable. This is something that goes beyond church and if you look at your life carefully you will see that keeping up appearances is something that you do in all areas of your life.
Think of yourself at work or at school, think of all the things that you do to give the appearance that you’re okay or good enough. The things that you say and don’t say, the way you speak and, yes, even the way that you dress.
The truth is that everything that you’re doing is superficial. Looking a certain way doesn’t make you more acceptable or less acceptable. People’s opinions of you may make you feel better about yourself but they don’t change the reality of who you are. You can’t fix the problems in your life by fixing your hair. You can’t cover your hurts with a layer of makeup. You’ve tried and you’ve failed, your inadequacy stares you in the face when you look in the mirror.
I made the same mistake of thinking that if I kept up an illusion of being okay on the outside, eventually I would be okay on the outside. My strategy was exhausting and I was dissatisfied. Eventually I realised that something had to change, I couldn’t live like this for the rest of my life. I discovered that change was hard but it was possible. I didn’t have to live my life pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. You don’t have to either.
The desire for acceptance isn’t wrong, it’s natural. But real acceptance is not to be found on the outside, it’s an inside job. When we know that we are accepted we don’t have to pretend to be anything that we’re not. The fear of people discovering the ‘real me’ falls away and we can be honest about our flaws. We can stop living in denial and start making moves towards growth.
Our mindsets need to change and the lies have to be replaced by the truth. Here are 3 truths that we all have to accept if we’re going to find true acceptance:
1 Accept the fact that God accepts you.
You don’t need convincing that you are flawed and imperfect, you already know that. What’s harder to convince you of is that God accepts you anyway, as you are. Every human being desires acceptance, but we all find it through different means.
Some of us find it through acquiring material things, high positions or educational qualifications. Others through doing the right thing: helping the poor and feeding the hungry. But there’s always that nagging feeling that it’s not enough because true acceptance only comes when we accept that we are accepted through Christ.
2 Accept yourself; flawed and imperfect.
We have all believed that we can somehow make up for our imperfections. We lie to cover our tracks and keep up the appearance of perfection. We work really hard to follow moral laws but we all somehow manage to fall short.
Accepting yourself and admitting your limitations is one of the hardest things to do but it’s necessary and healthy. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re struggling on the inside. You need to accept that you do wrong and that you do hurt. You need to come to terms with your flaws.
3 Accept the gift of real friends.
Real friends are friends who accept you as you are and lovingly motivate you to grow. Learn who your real friends are and who the pretenders are. Your real friends are people who you can be open with without the fear of being judged. They are also people who have the courage to keep you accountable and speak the truth to you in love.
“The biggest paradox of the human condition is that we yearn to be known yet we fear being known,” Baratamang Sebaeng.
This is so true. We long for our friends to know us but we fear that they will reject us if they did. But real friends love you enough to look past the superficial front that you put up, they care about your heart and they can ask the hard questions. These are friendships that we all need, in good times and bad.
As hard as it is, it’s time to stop pretending to be someone that you’re not. Your desire for acceptance is natural but the way you’ve been going about it is all wrong. Unless you start thinking differently, all your efforts will leave you exhausted and dissatisfied. It’s time to take the first step in finding true acceptance, start today.
About the author: Zola Ndlovu
Twitter Username: @ooeygooey
Zola Ndlovu is a 24-year-old woman who was raised in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. She moved to South Africa for her studies where she pursued a degree in Law and a degree in Economics, both of which were obtained from Rhodes University, Grahamstown. She is a writer, social media manager and a Milo cereal addict. Zola loves God and loves people and her ultimate dream is to see women empowered to live out their God-given purpose.
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