Cat lovers: Just how ‘moggy’ are you?

I KNOW I promised myself only about six weeks ago to take no notice of the silly ‘days’ invented by Thomas and Ruth Roy, but after a week of stories of rapes and murders (occasionally alleviated by sewage spillages and water shortages), even a superannuated sub-editor is allowed to let her hair down.

And, as mine is too short to ‘let down’, let’s look at some crazy cat theories by way of recreation.

Now, I must hasten to point out that I am a dog person. We’ve had cats around the place over the years but they’ve had other family members as their pet humans or they’ve chosen not to adopt a pet at all and simply move in.

We had a couple in England that were professional ratters and their entire upkeep could be claimed against tax. Now that was a win-win situation. The cats could hunt happily when they felt like it, stretch out in the sunshine (when there was any) or doze in a warm box by the Aga, knowing their welfare would not be neglected because their vet’s bills were being paid by the taxman.

So the wisdom that I pass on must be taken with a pinch (maybe a bushel) of salt!

The Roys’ website, wellcat.com, has some suggestions for Answer Your Cat’s Question Day. “If you will stop what you are doing and take a look at your cat, you will observe that the cat is looking at you with a serious question,” they write. Then they admit that they are still trying to compile a list of questions posed by the felines in their household.

They suggest: “Hey, what’s on the other side of the door?” as a common cat query, even if that particular moggy has just been let in and knows perfectly well what’s on the other side. I don’t buy that. Cats are far too intelligent. That’s not a question – it’s and ulterior motive. Accumulate too many of these and you’ve got a cat with an AGENDA in capital letters.

They go on to explain some points of cat logic to us dim-witted humans – pretty plausibly, too.

Sitting and staring at someone who is having a pee definitely gives you the upper paw.

Having a built-in fur coat enables you to stand halfway in and out of an outside door during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season and gloat over the discomfort of your human slaves.

On the subject of ‘helping’, it is suggested: “When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.”

Montmorency, in ‘Three Men in a Boat’, was convinced that, when the men were packing for their trip, if they held out a hand for something, it was a cold, wet nose they wanted. (Montmorency was a dog, but that’s just to prove I’m not prejudiced.)

All sorts of other hampering techniques are mentioned, such as sitting on income tax returns, batting the back of a newspaper that is being held up to read, walking across the computer keyboard and massacring the mouse.

Let’s face it. Cats don’t ask questions. They don’t ask permission either. Nor do they beg forgiveness after the fact.

They’re CATS, for heaven’s sake!

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