Women must walk out of abusive relationship: Kubheka (MASP)

The debate that took place at the Katlehong Police Station hall on Thursday, July 28, made it clear that more women than men are abused. During the debate both women and men, old and young, voiced their concerns to the police officials who were present when the debate took place.

R. T. Rev. Samuel Phillips, who opened the occasion with prayer, asked both women and men to respect each other in their marriages and also invite God in their live as the Almighty is the one who can make marriages work no matter how tough the conditions are.

Mr Bheki Kubheka introduced an organisation called Men As Safety Promoter (MASP) that has been formed by men from the local community. “The purpose of this organisation, of which I am chairperson, is to discourage fathers from abusing women. Government asked men to do this through this organisation. That is why we are gathered here today. Actually the purpose of this gathering

is to talk about domestic violence,” said Kubheka.

Mr L.P Masina said that men are abused emotionally. They are taken for granted by their own wives just

because they can’t provide. “What must we do as men if there are no jobs? If it has not happened to you don’t take it lightly by thinking that it will never happen,” said Masina.

“What makes me angry the most is the fact that we do a lot of work extending our houses, buying expensive furniture, doing expensive renovations to make our houses look very fancy. But after all this women, because they lack a conscience, once you lose your job they will chase you out

of that very same house just because you can no longer provide as a man. It becomes difficult for a man to accept that. As a result the abuse erupts,” said Mr Paul Maama, whose comment was applauded by both men and women.

“We sometimes rush into things. Our women like to copy what is happening next door and expect you to be able to do the same. Even if they know that you can’t afford to. If you can’t manage to live on the same standard as your neighbour, you will look like a failure to her and she’ll start to insult you. And lastly we must stop rushing to move in with our partners if we are not ready to so. Because once the pressure starts we fail to absorb it and we get stressed and abuse erupts,” said Sphiwe Mkhize.

Another young man who attended the debate, Thabo Matjea, said, “The reason there is so much abuse in relationships is that we love material things more than we love one another. We end up building families out of lies and greed. If we can make God the centre of our relationships we

would not have the problems we have now.”

On the womens’ side, Sizakele Simelane said that as a woman from a well-behaved family, her mother advised her not to take legal action against her abusive husband. She said, “There are very serious problems that we are facing from our so-called husbands. We as women sometimes end up selling our bodies because our husbands are good at making babies but not good enough at supporting them. So as

a result because we as women can’t stand seeing our children suffering from hunger, we end up working as prostitutes.”

Nomkhosi Simelane said, “Once you have borne many children for one man he will leave you and stay with another woman and support another man’s children instead of his own. That is abuse in itself because the stress you have when you need to support all the children on your own is too much to handle. And it does not only affect you as a woman but your children as well because they have to face a situation whereby they have to grow up without their father. What do you tell them?”

According to Nonkululeko Magagula, men are afraid of responsibility and if they can’t provide it knocks their self-esteem, which leads to abuse. This is particularly so where the woman is working and the man isn’t, she said. “Once they give you a child or two and they don’t have money to support their children they will leave you for another woman,” she said.

Sibongile Mathonsi said women are sometimes to blame “We fail to take care of our own man. We can’t

cook for them; even if we do, we don’t do it properly. We don’t do their washing; we let them do it for themselves. So as a result they go and find love somewhere else. There are situations where men take the fall for something they shouldn’t take the fall for. For example, men will give you money to buy things for the house and you do your hair instead. And you do not even buy clothes for children. Then a person who sees this mischievous act will put the blame on the man and think he does not take care of his own children whereas the woman should be blamed.”

Mr Bheki Kubheka concluded, “Women are more abused than men, because women come up with more facts than men. Secondly, most of the time women speak out about abuse more than men. If men are abused they must come forward as well.” He pointed out that the cause of abuse is unfaithfulness and secrets. He advised parents not to raise their children with anger because this will make them abusers too. He also advised parents not to be the cause of a break-up of their children’s marriages but rather help them solve their problems.