An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.
WHEN I was a parent of young children, I was a pathological people-pleaser. I won’t say I’ve been totally cured of this disease, but I am a lot better nowadays. One thing I hated the most was being judged as a bad parent to my kids. And it happened a fair amount. I think that’s because people have strong opinions about how kids should be brought up or disciplined, and well, they sometimes like to have their say to other parents. I also wasn’t a particularly authoritarian parent and could be a bit permissive. Thankfully, my ex-husband helped balance that out.
I’d just like to write my story so fellow parents can learn to trust their own instincts and not let the judgement of other parents or people in their lives weigh them down. It can be devastating to hear someone say, “Your kids are out of control.” In learning about positive/gentle/peaceful parenting, I’m realising that kids are immature and their emotions and brains aren’t developed properly yet. They are going to be out of control to some degree. Yes, obviously, you don’t want them going on a murderous rampage, but kids are kids, and they’re not going to be perfect. In fact, if they are, it is a sign that they are chronic people-pleasers, too, and are surpressing their emotions and taking everything within them which can cause things like anxiety, depression and anger.
Also read: Kathy’s Window: One of my deepest regrets in life
Anyway, I’m going to share a few stories where I was told I was doing something wrong with my childrearing and how each time, my kids ended up fine in the end. Maybe it will give you the courage and confidence as a young parent to stand up for what you believe is best for your kids.
The first one that comes to mind was in the early days when my firstborn was an older baby. He did not want to be put down. In fact, I had to carry him wherever I went. It proved a challenge sometimes, but I invested in one of those Kanga pouches, where he was tied to my front wherever I walked, be it to hang up laundry, do some work, go to the kitchen, etc. He was also a pretty clingy baby and wouldn’t go to anyone except me, my husband or his gran. And sometimes my friend, Molly, whom I lived close to. I received some comments on this from several people. Some said that I was spoiling or babying him and that he would never learn to walk. But I hated it when he cried, and well, it was just easier to take him with me so I could keep an eye on him at all times.
A mother’s instincts are to hold her baby when he/she cries. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, until they learn to crawl and walk, they don’t actually feel separate from their mothers but feel a part of them. The separation causes stress. I’m not saying you shouldn’t leave your kid on the floor to explore, but if it causes them distress, why not adapt your life around them? The more stable and constant their parental relationship is, the more emotionally whole and happy they will be growing up. My son did learn to walk normally and went on to being physically fine and even was an active kid who was extremely competitive in playing sports with his siblings and hard to beat. He has also ended up being a well-rounded adult who has a close relationship with his parents but knows how to be independent. So, in the end, I didn’t do him a disservice.
Also read: What is gentle parenting, and how can I implement it?
Not that my firstborn had a problem-free babyhood. We were living in Zambia at the time, and he was exposed to tuberculosis. He hardly put on any weight during his first six months of life so I ended up flying down with him to South Africa for tests. He was found positive for TB – it didn’t affect his lungs but his bone growth. Anyway, after his treatment, he started growing again, but the TB did affect his appetite and his experience of food. He did not like Purity, the liquidised baby food, at all. In fact, he would spit or vomit it out. He would vomit bananas and vegetables, and all sorts. It was scary and frustrating. Eventually, I gave up trying to force him to eat things he’d just bring up and gave him the small variety of foods he would eat: rice, meat, popcorn, occasionally cottage cheese or yoghurt, or cereal. He didn’t even like pizza (because of the tomato sauce) which is now his favourite food. He refused to eat veggies and fruit. I even consulted with a dietitian who suggested he eat high-fat foods to improve his weight.
At the time, a friend said that his diet wasn’t good enough and that he wouldn’t grow. I was confused and didn’t know what to do, but my instincts told me not to force him to eat – I’d read in a baby book that it could cause an eating disorder later in life. I fought for him in this regard as sometimes family members would get really upset with him when he didn’t eat everything. Well, he did end up introducing more foods over time although he still doesn’t like to eat soup or stews, unless the stew is curried.
He had a growth spurt when he was 13 and is now taller than me. Scouts also helped him to eat a variety of foods because it was about survival. I’m glad that I didn’t force him to eat things he didn’t like when he was little – it may have caused a problem with food later in life. Young kids are naturally wary of new food – it’s a survival mechanism. It takes them a while to explore their palate, and instead of forcing them, we should rather let them see food as a positive thing and an adventure to explore. We can do that by offering them a variety of foods. They are more likely to have a more varied palate as an adult if they have positive memories about food growing up – the dinner table shouldn’t be a place of arguments and contesting of wills.
Also read: Why shouldn’t parents use food as a reward or punishment?
One of the most difficult times when my kids were young was when I went ahead of my husband and lived in South Africa for three months while he was tying things up in Zambia. We were relocating back to SA. I found that my kids were just difficult and didn’t want to listen. They had endless energy, and being the only parent didn’t make it easy. I was miserable and exhausted, and I was also facing some health issues. Quite a few times during that period, I was told that my kids were out of control. It wasn’t easy to hear, especially when I didn’t know what to do about it. I thought that the people thought my kids were bad kids and would grow up being rebellious and difficult, which never happened. Maybe they thought that – maybe they didn’t. But what they thought did not matter in the end because I knew my kids better than anyone else. In hindsight, I can see that my kids were under stress because they were missing their dad, weren’t living in a familiar environment, there were new rules, and well, they were picking up on my stress. Also, they were exploring the new boundaries in the new environment. I wish I had never taken the judgemental words to heart. My kids eventually grew out of that difficult stage and matured. I wish I could’ve known then that it would end up fine in the end.
Not every decision we make for our kids may end up being perfect for them. But we can never know how things would have turned out if we’d made a different decision unless one day we get to live in an alternative universe – one of those ‘choose your own adventure’ ones. One huge decision we made was to homeschool our kids. I don’t know if that was the best thing for them, but I see a lot of good things that came out of it. At the time, our parents and even some strangers (who commented on us homeschooling) weren’t sure if it was the right thing for our kids. And I can understand that. It has caused my kids to be close to me and each other – they are best friends with each other – sometimes I’m amazed at how close they are to each other and how well they work together as a team to get things done – and how helpful they’ve been to me as a single parent. But homeschooling has maybe made it harder for them socially and in other areas. The thing is, I will never know. I followed my instincts on what I thought was right for them at the time. We won’t always know if our instincts were best for our kids. But we have to follow our heart because a mother’s heart is a heart of love. That love will sustain them through every trial.
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