Real Talk With Duenna

The way I see it, more marriages than ever are falling apart due to adultery and I think people have lost respect for the institution of marriage.

As I was pondering the subject, I wondered if society had approved adultery as part of relationships, or if marriage was no longer sacred?

I recently came across a case in one of our courts where two women were at loggerheads for their late husband’s inheritance.

The man had arrived in Tembisa many years ago, met a younger and more beautiful woman whom he eventually married and had two boys with. He died 20 years into the marriage.

Five weeks later, the wife started the claiming process to the inheritance, which was smooth-sailing until she discovered that someone else was also coming for her late husband’s estate; his [first] wife whom he’d left in Mpumalanga.

Eventually, the court ruled in favour of the first wife whose marriage to the diseased was classified as “customary”.

Without delving into the dynamics of the different kinds of marriages we have in South Africa and the legal implications, I didn’t know whether to rejoice that unmikazi wendoda (the man’s ‘first’ wife) had won the case or be upset that she allowed him to slip right into another woman‘s arms. I also looked at the second wife and wasn’t sure whether to feel sad for her as she had just spent over 20 years with a man she claimed she didn’t know was married, or be angry with her for stealing another woman’s man.

I heard an old woman seated behind me say, “If this man had kept faithful to his wife, these women would not be going through all this”.

As much as I was in agreement with magogo, I could not help but wonder if married women are so relaxed in their relationships that they don’t mind what the man gets up to go, as long he sends money home?

Have we given men the right to cheat on us as women because they know just one apology will make it all fine?

I don’t understand parents who let daughters believe they are not strong enough to leave a man who breaks the vow of fidelity made before God.

“Keep yourself clean for him, make him breakfast and dinners, welcome him with a kiss as he comes in from work and don’t ever be too tired to make love to him,” these are some of the things you hear at bridal showers.

When will we start giving the same premarital teachings to men as well? Why do we assume that because they are men, they will know how this marriage thing works?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying women should divorce their husbands for having a side chick, but I do know that the longer we tolerate cheating, the longer it stays with us.

And no, cheating is never a mistake. It takes a lot of work and effort to cover up such an act and unfortunately for the ‘victim’ the emotional damage caused by infidelity can be difficult to overcome.

I know there are more women than men in the world, but would that be the perfect excuse to go after another woman’s man?

My friend, Bridget Mpande, has always said that when a man leaves his wife, kids and his rural home to settle in the big city due to work commitments, he is there to do just that, work. Acknowledge and respect that.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I believe that healthy marriages make for stronger communities and subsequently, happier children.

According to my husband, the best gift a man can give to his children is to love and respect their mother, and I couldn’t agree more.