Two Bits

On the first tee at Heritage championship golf course, the starter proffered a scorecard and asked “Monsieurs, ‘oo will take zis?” With a cheeky grin, Dale Hayes pointed at me and replied, “Give it to my father”.
And so it started. Non-stop chirping, jokes and laughs for 18 holes around one of Mauritius’ top golf courses last Thursday. Built along the lines of Father Christmas, Hayes is one of life’s natural entertainers (though sometimes you wish for a mute button).
We were on the island for a week of golf, beach and relaxing, playing in the annual Matkovich Designer Cup. There were about 36 golfers, mostly couples, some from the North Coast but mainly golfers/serious party animals from Mt Edgecombe.
Many readers will not be aware that living quietly in our midst is a legend in the golf world. Peter Matkovich (Matko to his many friends) is renowned for this superb golf course designs and landscaping. Among the many courses he has designed or re-designed are Umhlali, Prince’s Grant, Simbithi and Zimbali locally, then further afield, Cotswold, Arabella, Zebula, Leopard Rock, Pinnacle Point, Ebotse. In Mauritius, Heritage and Avalon and the much awaited Mont Choisy in the north .
He is the polar opposite of Hayes – quietly spoken, intensely private and self-effacing, and his legendary brusqueness is a shell over a kind heart. His daughter-in-law, Shannon, confided in me with some exasperation, “He never says goodbye!” But I can relate to that. Rose’s family turns ‘goodbye’ into a Broadway production of hugging and kissing, whereas with my family when it’s time to leave, you leave.
But I digress. The competition format was good for a wide range of golfers, perhaps favouring the higher handicaps. First day was an alliance, with quarter of the score going to your personal tally. Second day was a betterball, with half the team score added, then the final day was singles. That meant there was no more than four or five points difference across the field. It was all down to the last day.
An amusing incident one day at Avalon, the new course Matko is building in the mountains in the south. One four ball was wondering what the course rating was, when Matko shambled past. Someone called out, “Hey Pete, what’s the rating here?” He mumbled distractedly “Oh, 72 or 73, depending on the tee,” and walked off. One of the bright young things from Mt Edgecombe chirps, “Aaagh, what would that old man know!” Everyone fell about laughing.
So on the first day, my golf was rubbish but the group of Hayes, ‘Cuz’ and Liz Loudon from Mt Edgecombe did okay, so carried us through. Second day wasn’t much better, but my partner, an eight-handicap member of the Supersport production team, Dylan O’Leary, played well so my points went up again. Wouter le Roux of Umhlali and Cathy Bretherton of Mt Edgecombe were our other partners.
On the final day I was lying joint sixth with O’Leary. Suddenly my game started working. In fact, it exceeded itself. It was probably the company – Tony Matkovich on four, O’Leary on eight and Cathy Bean on 22, but renowned for pulling a great game out of the bag when the stakes are high. Something happened and I played out of my socks. Nobody was more surprised than me to discover that I had to go up against Dylan in a playoff as we had both shot 36 points.
Whenever you see guys in a playoff on TV, feel for them. It is the most stressful situation. The playoff hole, the 18th, is tricky but I had shot birdie and par there before, so should have done okay. Not today. Dylan blasted down the middle. I sliced  straight into the bush, dropped out, hammered my third into another bush, found it and topped it into a donga, then got it onto the green only to roll off into a bunker. Dylan was on the green for four, while I managed to go from one bunker into another. Enough was enough, I decided, and conceded the game. Dylan was magnanimous in victory, praising my game, but he was too kind. I lost my bottle. There’s no room for ‘could’ves’ and ‘should’ves’, what happened, happened.
Which just goes to show why golf can be so rewarding. From a back-of-the-pack 21, you can take on the best. For instance, Andy Bean – playing off scratch – shot 68 but I still beat him. How amazing is that! Gotta love the game.
So the Designer Cup 2016 champions were Dylan O’Leary first, myself second and Andy Bean third.
Enough about golf. The hotel Heritage Le Telfair was outstanding. Built French colonial style with groups of suites in separate villas, it’s five star all the way. Friendly staff, great facilities and such attention to detail! Rose took a serious liking to the minibar champagne. She said it was medicinal and non-fattening. Uh-huh. The 10 restaurants (yes, 10) were top class, while the sushi was from another planet.
So everything in Mauritius is perfect? Not always. The weather can be tricky, especially in the south, though the kite surfers lap it up. It is also seriously expensive. Foreigners are restricted where they can buy and we saw some picaninny apartments in Black River starting at US$ 800 000 (R12m). Not that it’s stopping South Africans flooding there in numbers. We ran into ex-Salt Rock lad Timo Geldenhuys (son of Louw and Mavoureen) and his wife Tam, who’ve been there for 11 years, and a whole bunch of others, many involved in some way with the Matkovich Group.
But would we go again? In a heartbeat.
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This is a Dale Hayes joke. Old and well worn, like him, but still serviceable.
Van der Merwe is invited to tea with the Queen of England. She says, “And what do you do, Mr van der Merwe?”
He says, “I’m a photographer.”
“Oh,” she says, “What a coincidence. My brother-in-law, Lord Snowdon, is also a photographer.”
Van says, “Ja, tell you what’s an even bigger coincidence. My brother-in-law is also a queen!”