En Passant: That was the week that was

IT WAS a funny old week last week, wasn’t it? We sure do live in interesting times. It was the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I, which I’m very glad I missed, and not only because had I survived it I would now be either incredibly old and wrinkled or dead as mutton. Were I a veteran of that war and still alive, I think I would now be the only World War I veteran left in the world and very lonely.

Probably not as lonely as the directors of Africa Bank feel. Great Scott, what a cock-up that is. The bank crashed to its knees on Wednesday last, after forecasting an annual loss of around R8 billion. EIGHT BILLION BUCKS! As I understand it, and I don’t, the Reserve Bank has stepped in to remedy the situation.

I do not pretend to understand high finance (and nor, apparently, does the Africa Bank board), but I especially do not understand why things were allowed to get as bad as they have before someone cried, “Help!” and a curator was appointed. Why didn’t they yell at, I dunno, one billion, or when the directors’ salary cheques bounced? Oh, their cheques didn’t bounce. That’s not a surprise.

Anyway, that was another thing that marked last week.

And then, this was an interesting thing that bounced about last week, the news in the Sunday Times that the well-known politician Dr Pallo Jordan was in fact a quack. The news was that ol’ Pallo was no more a Doctor than you or I (unless you really are a Doctor, Doctor), a title that Pallo’s CV said he was deserving of, having completed his PhD at either (or both?) the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the London School of Economics.

Thing is, see, the London School of Economics said there was “no record of Zwelidinga Pallo Jordan having been awarded a PhD from the school”, while the University of Wisconsin-Madison said, Yes, Pallo, back in the 1960’s did study there but never completed his degree. He is, in effect, and like me, a drop-out.

Oh, Pallo, you are an idiot. Besides being a dapper little man, you always struck me as being one of the more sensible government ministers (up to this point anyway), whether as minister of arts and culture, minister of environmental affairs or minister of posts, telecommunications and broadcasting. You really didn’t need to believe that I needed to be further impressed by your having a doctorate.

The ANC meanwhile, has rallied behind Pallo and reportedly described the controversy as a “publicity gimmick” and Pallo as an “intellectual giant” nogal, albeit an intellectual giant with a dud PhD – a dud phud, in fact. Stone me, the world’s a crazy place.

Then the Oscar Pistorius trial summations and final arguments took place last week, bringing our very own OJ Simpson Trial of the Century So Far to an end. He’ll find out his fate on September 11, and then no doubt there’ll be all sorts of appeals one way or another before he does, or doesn’t go to jail, go directly to jail, does not pass “Go”, and does not collect R200. I know it’s old, but I don’t think Oscar’s got a leg to stand on.

And then, also last week something happened that is best illustrated by my telling of the story of my ol’ mate Jimmy.

Jimmy took last Tuesday off from his work, as did his missus, Doris. They worked together in the garden getting the vegetable patch ready for spring seed sowing, and towards midday, having completed the task and being a bit sweaty and grubby, both took a shower.

Well, I won’t draw you any pictures but one thing led to another, and before you could spit and say, “Sawdust,” they were in bed and romping like teenage rabbits. The love-making bout lasted to after 12:30, and they were lying there in a somewhat surprised post-coital state of bliss when a bright-eyed and breathless Doris said to Jimmy, “I felt the earth move”.

Jimmy of course was really pleased about this, felt like a real Casanova, until he went into the kitchen to make tea, put the radio on and heard on the one o’clock news that a 5.5 magnitude earthquake had hit South Africa at 12:30pm, its epicentre being at Orkney in the North West Province.

The quake went on for about 20 seconds and was felt as far Durban, the Eastern Cape, Mozambique, Botswana and Jimmy’s bedroom in Hlobane Street. But it left Jimmy with something of a dilemma – did he take credit for Doris’s earth trembling, or did he carry the tea back to the bedroom and tell her about this unexpected geological phenomenon?

He hasn’t told me what he decided but it seems to me that either way, there could be an aftershock.

And that was last week.