En Passant: Squatting is good for you

YOU MIGHT not be aware of it, and there is no reason why you should be, but I give you advance notice that November 19 (I’m told it’s a Wednesday) has been declared World Toilet Day, by no less an august body than the United Nations. And I dare say that if the whole campaign is adjudged a success everyone involved will be looking a little flushed.

On the other hand, you might be familiar with this event; cisterns, ball-valves, stop-cocks, pans, s-bends and p-traps may be part of your stock in trade; you might be excitedly anticipating November 19 like a birthday boy (or birthday girl, why not?) counting “sleepies”, or in this case “poofies”. You might be so excited that you’re likely to pee your pants, which would be appropriately in theme but nevertheless unneighbourly.

The thing is, see, you and I, dear reader, might at work and at home have access to a flushing loo, with air freshener, Harpic and a little knitted jacket for the spare bog roll, but an estimated 1.4 million households in South Africa have no sanitation services whatsoever. Assuming a modest estimate of five souls per household, that means that seven million people are squatting in the bos, or in other secluded venues, to do their business, as and when the need arises.

And trust me, casual or informal kakerasies are not a thing of free living, flower power and the natural way. True, I have heard somewhere that the prime position for the perfect… how can I put this? bowel evacuation (not to put too fine a point on it), is the one that you naturally adopt if you are compelled to “park a coil” on the ground. Stone me, I imagine even defecating dogs don’t look as ungainly!

Nevertheless, it seems to have been pretty-well established that the sitting Western-type of toilet is partly responsible for haemorrhoids, constipation, inflammatory bowel disease, appendicitis, and even heart attacks. That’s what I’ve read. I’ve also read that “the time-honoured natural squat position places the knees much closer to your torso, and this position actually changes the spatial relationships of your intestinal organs and musculature, optimising the forces involved in defecation.” So, there you go.

This particular article went on to say that sitting on the loo “requires you to apply additional force (straining), which has some unwanted biological effects, including a temporary disruption in cardiac flow,” and, I might add, a red face and unseemly grunting noises. In fact, the Israel Journal of Medical Science is quoted as saying:

“The prevalence of bowel diseases (hemorrhoids, appendicitis, polyps, ulcerative colitis, irritable bowel syndrome, diverticular disease, and colon cancer) are similar in South African whites and in populations of prosperous western countries. Among rural South African blacks with a traditional life style, these diseases are very uncommon or almost unknown.”

Despite this medical evidence, I consider myself very, very lucky, and I expect a lot of us do, that we’ve never, or very seldom, had to resort to squatting in the bush. Back in the mid-to-late-1970s, we used to go camping at Cape Vidal. This was before the old Natal Parks Board took it over, and the campsite was run by the Department of Forestry. It was basic. Each campsite shared a tap (one tap to three sites), distributing water that couldn’t be drunk without boiling. There were no showers and the ablution blocks only had long-drops – no flushing loos, just long drops; no showers, no basins, no urinals, just long drops.

This is nothing to do with World Toilet Day, but a phenomenon in the loos at Cape Vidal back in the 1970s has never been satisfactorily explained to me. Why were there always bees in the loos; why did you have to ensure there were no bees down the long drop before you parked your butt? What the hell were the bees after down there? It’s a mystery.

Anyway, if we were fishing at one of the remote beaches or ledges at Cape Vidal and were “caught short”, it meant you grabbed a spade and a toilet roll and wandered off into the dunes. Just as well that Cape Vidal was not as popular in those days, or some other happy camper might have come across these recently buried treasures!

They were wonderful holidays at Cape Vidal, but I don’t miss the trips into the dunes, which are the sort of trips that lots of people, not only in South Africa, face daily. I have only once encountered a formal squat toilet and that was in the premises of a restaurant (can you believe) in the south of France. It was hideous but I was desperate.

So, given the medical evidence, I hope the United Nations’ World Toilet Day recognises that while it might be an admirable goal to have a nice, shiny, ceramic, seat-type toilet in every home, with a little knitted jacket for the spare roll, there will be medical consequences. Let’s hope that in 50 years time we don’t have to have a World Piles Day instead. That would make your eyes water.