Some Valentine’s Day ideas

OK BOYS, thinking caps on, and I hope you’re reading this on Thursday, or at the latest Friday morning, because Friday is, wait for it… Valentine’s Day!
You might think that Valentine’s Day is a commercial racket, and say as much as loudly and as often as you are
urged to respond to an heart-festooned advertisement, but trust me, commercial racket or not, Doris, your Doris, will be aware of the date and will have a beady eye on any passing fl orist’s bakkie.
The standard (and boring) Valentine gift is fl owers (preferably roses) and chocolates (preferably in a box – trust me again, a Kit Kat, however lekker it is, does not count). The standard (and predictable) Valentine dinner/date, includes prawn cocktail, steak and chips, plus ice cream and chocolate sauce, all washed down with a bottle of Nederburg Rosé, or you could push the boat out and have a bottle of good ol’ JC Engelbrecht… ag, man, not JC Engelbrecht, he’s the dude who does the weather on SABC 3, no, good old JC Le Roux, you know, that sparkling vino that people erroneously call Champagne.
You could do all that and be absolutely safe. Doris will think you are the most romantic thing this side of
George Clooney, and all things being equal, you should get lucky, know what I mean, boys, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. But just say you wanted to do something different,what could you do? I dunno; I’m about
as romantic as an amorous aardvark, so I got some ideas from the Internet, and among other things, it was suggested that:
1. You turn back the clock and recreate your fi rst date, if you can remember it, presumably. The idea is that you remind her of how charming you were when you were still trying to… you know… get the old leg over. Apparently, “Women love it when men remember details from when they were still getting to know each other”, and
the suggestion is that you go to the same place, eat the same food (prawn cocktail, steak and chips, ice cream
and chocolate sauce?) and do the same things that “first sparked your
romance”. One thing I’d suggest you make sure of, make sure it was Doris who was with you at this memorable occasion back then, and not, say, Mavis or Gladys or even Sybil. If you start playing Spanish Eyes on the ukulele, and Doris has no recollection of this being your pièce de résistance, the effect might be somewhat spoiled. Again, trust me.
2. The suggestion is that you get physical (not that kind of physical, Jimmy), and by this they mean that you
should get the old heart rate up and the endorphins (whatever they are) flowing.
OK, we haven’t got an ice skating rink and cross-country skiing is out of the question, as is bungee jumping. I
dunno, I suppose you could play nine holes of golf, how about strip golf like strip poker, and whoever loses the hole takes off a garment. The blokes back at the club house would enjoy it.
3. I am told that massage is a “mustdo” activity for Valentine’s Day. I dunno, I understand there’s a whole industry around pampering at a spa, scented oils, white towels and your hair in a turban, but I’m sorry, to me a “massage” still has overtones of a sleazy joint in Point Road, Durban, next to a tattoo parlour. But that’s just me.
4. It’s suggested that you strew rose petals from the front door to the bedroom where she’ll fi nd a heart-shaped box of chocolates etc. which is now about as original as prawn cocktail (but messier). Besides, where’d you get that many rose petals? Currently, bougainvilleas are in flower – would they do?
5. The Number 5 suggestion is that you and Doris book into a hotel and indulge in some role playing, like, you
know, she plays the part of a lawyer in town for a conference (in Vryheid?) and you are a smooth-talking rep for a tyre company, and after lots of flirtatious bantering at the bar and over supper, you go at it like rabbits.
6. Here the suggestion is that you stay at home, phones off, in bed all day, and Number 7 is that you arrange
a chocolate marathon in which Doris finds a couple of chocolates at intervals throughout the day. Call me an
unromantic old fart if you must, but both to me seem like a Valentine overdose.
8. This suggests that you combine Valentine’s Day with a weekend away somewhere – a “romantic resort or
bed-and-breakfast” they say. I dunno, the price of petrol being what it is, you could save yourself a packet by booking into a B&B here in town, although I’m not sure many of them will have a honeymoon suite to include a kingsize water bed, candles, rose petals (or bougainvillea petals) and Cupid carved into the headboard. I’ll ask Rita.
9. They say that most Dorises like getting all dolled up, and suggest that whatever you plan should be approached as if you are attending a state banquet at which the Queen of England is to rub your shoulder. I understand this. It might be just you and Doris having supper at a restaurant, but if you’re a diesel mechanic and get to the restaurant straight from work, trust me, the effect is lost.
Number 10 is the ultimate cheesy Valentine’s Day gesture – proposing marriage, down on one knee, the whole caboodle. I’d advise caution here. How would you top that next year? Anyway, good luck on Friday.