We all have our monkeys: Why compassion starts with understanding

Early in my career, I travelled extensively for work. On one trip to Sishen in the Northern Cape, two senior colleagues took me to their favourite restaurant in the bush.

I was excited. Until the monkeys arrived!

Shortly after receiving our drinks, monkeys appeared and began interacting with guests. Everyone was having fun. Everyone except me!

I was terrified. My discomfort became everyone’s entertainment. They laughed and warned me to play along because showing fear might upset the monkeys.

The message was clear: “Man up! They’re harmless!”

But here’s what nobody understood. They were experiencing entertainment. My brain was experiencing threat.

Same environment. Same monkeys. Different biological responses.

On my next visit, I sat inside the building to avoid the monkeys. Yet, I remained uncomfortable. I never returned.

Years later, studying neuroscience helped me understand that experience differently.

We all have our monkeys. For some, it’s an intimidating boss. For others, it’s financial struggles, family conflict, rejection, bullying, or the fear of being judged.

What makes one person laugh may cause another to suffer silently.

And sometimes, the deepest hurt comes not from the monkeys themselves, but from people who dismiss our discomfort.

We tell people to toughen up, stop overreacting, or get over it, forgetting that our brains don’t necessarily interpret the same situations in the same way.

Here’s the lesson: Just because something doesn’t threaten you doesn’t mean it isn’t threatening someone else.

Whether at home, school, work, or in relationships, compassion begins when we stop judging people’s reactions through our own experiences.

Before telling someone to “man up” or “woman up”, ask what they’re experiencing.

You don’t have to fear someone’s monkeys to take their fear seriously.

Sometimes, understanding is more powerful than advice.

This experience shaped my view of human behaviour.