Dr Kok says communication impacts sex
"People think sexologists are here to talk about kinky positions.
“I am actually here to teach people how to communicate, because that’s what sex is; a higher level of communication.”
This was the opening statement of renowned sexologist Dr Etienne Kok, who was the guest speaker at the East Rand Business Women’s meeting, this month.
Kok delivered an interesting, educational and humorously entertaining talk on sexual relationships between couples.
His presentation unveiled the differences between male and female communication and his conclusion suggested that good communication and understanding between couples are the keys to a satisfying physical relationship.
Kok referred to John Gray’s book title “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” in his talk.
“There comes a time in every relationship when one says to the other: ‘I do not understand you’,” he said.
“On Venus women were taught how to listen — on Mars men were taught how to show.”
He used an example of a woman accusing her husband of not telling her regularly enough that he loves her.
According to his theory, the man would feel frustrated, say he shows her daily through doing chores and taking care of her and think: “What more do I need to do?”
He further said that miscommunication between partners may cause a build up of unresolved conflict and result in a lack of physical desire.
“Fighting is not the problem, it is how we do it that determines the effect,” he added.
“An implication of marriage is commitment,
“People think marriages are Verimark; ‘try it out, if not fully functional, return and we will refund’.”
Kok said this often resulted in couples thinking they no longer love one another.
“You do still love each other, otherwise you would not be together,”he added.
“However, a lack of communication and understanding can cause dislike in one another.”
He explained that this can be restored once a mutual effort is made to communicate, after which the physical desire for one’s partner will return.
He stressed the importance of understanding one another in a physical relationship.
Men are stimulated by sight, fantasy and touch, while women are stimulated through atmosphere and romance.
He said women expect their husbands to know how to satisfy them intimately and men have a misconception that they need only their genitalia as a tool to satisfy their wives.
“In a successful marriage two people must take each other on a journey of physical discovery,” he said.
He encouraged women not to be shy when communicating with their husbands about what they want.
Chairwoman of the East Rand Business Women Susan Noppe said the talk was presented tastefully and made no one feel offended or uncomfortable.
“I have already arranged for a special gathering to be held with this talk next year, to which the women can bring along their husbands,” she said.
She added that this topic is very relevant due to the many marriages that disintegrate due to bad communication.
The East Rand Business Women meet on the second Wednesday of each month, at 10.30am, at the Birchwood Hotel.
A celebrity or prominent person gives a talk at each meeting.
For further information, email to Glynis Holdsworth at glynis@incash.co.za, or Susan Noppe at noppe@worldonline.co.za.
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