#DrugAwarenessWeek: Phillip’s story

Not only is June Youth Month, but June 22 to 26 is also Drug Awareness Week in South Africa. The following true story of “Phillip”, his life as a drug addict and his road to recovery was submitted by Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Membership to NA is free, voluntary and anonymous. Contact them if you need help with drug addiction – www.na.org.za or phone the helpline on 0861 00 6962).

My name is Phillip, I come from Stellenbosch and I am a recovering drug addict.  did not grow up dreaming of becoming an addict, few people do.

Most people think drug addiction is a moral deficiency, something that can be changed with willpower or with religion on its own. I believe I was born an addict.

I was born restless, irritated and discontent. Drugs made me feel calm at first.

I react differently to other people when I use mind and mood-altering substances. I became dependent on it to make me feel better.

Most non-addicts do not develop this dependency because they feel happy with themselves naturally.

Some people use drugs to feel better and to help find that something to fill the emptiness inside.
Narcotics Anonymous helped me find serenity eventually.

I started using at 15. I instantly fell in love with feeling high from drugs and finally feeling comfortable.

It was a weird experience. I felt good and happy, but very ashamed of myself. I knew from the beginning that I am in trouble.

So I decided I should try to hide it. This only lasted so long and I was caught by my parents after half a year.

But I had an excuse and used a lie to cover up my habit. I told them it’s just once, or it’s not my drugs, or it’s just a phase.

I was just fooling myself. The evidence that these excuses were false were showing in my dropping grades, my weight loss and my bad behaviour.

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I made a string of bad choices. I never felt like I fit in. I always felt like an outsider looking in.

Halfway into my matric year, I decided to stop school. By then I had moved on to harder drugs. Drugs had overtaken all my rational thinking. I was completely obsessed with using.

I was sent to treatment. Not long after rehab, I was back to my old lifestyle. But the euphoria of using did not last long without the consequences of my actions.

The fun was fading and the reality of leading a life of using was catching up to me. I had lost all my friends from school and they were replaced with gangsters. I could not hold a job or wanted to study much. I did, however, attempt to finish my matric through the post.

This I somehow managed as high as I was. I barely passed. I took no responsibility for my life and I did not want to. I was selfish and self-centred.

Some nights I slept outside in a bush or outside abandoned buildings. Soon I was in trouble with the law.

My one toe started rotting from wearing wet shoes. Little children use to shout drug addict at me when walking past me.

Police officers even said, “It is a shame we have to lock you up, you come from a good home. There is no need for you to lead a life like this.” All of this was humiliating and unnecessary. Yet I continued using.

Eventually, I was sent back to rehab. This time I tried.

And I went back to the rooms of NA willingly for the first time with an honest desire to stop using drugs. I never struggled to admit that I was an addict. I knew and thought in a deranged way it was cool.

I know many people struggle with admitting it. Some people would say it is a sign of weakness.

People would live in denial to not admit it. But by not admitting what is reality, prevents many people from recovering and might lead to their death. There is a slogan in NA, which says surrender to win.

I started to work on the 12 steps of NA for the first time. It was not easy. The 12 steps require a lot of honest soul-searching.

There were a lot of obstacles I had to face doing the steps. I had to humble myself and find a sponsor, someone who helps guide a person through the program. I had to admit all my secrets to this person. I did not enjoy exposing my deepest secrets to someone. But it was rewarding eventually.

They say secrets keep you sick and you are as sick as your secrets.

But not only did I have to reveal everything about myself to my sponsor, I also had to find a loving Higher Power of my understanding. I had to surrender to this Higher Power, hand my will and my life to my Higher Power and also trust my Higher Power with my darkest secrets.

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It was difficult for me to understand all these things. But they worked.

By working the steps with my sponsor and with guidance from my Higher Power, I stayed clean. I learned after a while that when I felt low, my Higher Power and my sponsor, the 12 step meetings and the fellowship of NA was a source of strength for me to draw from.

I go to regular meetings. NA meetings are run by addicts and are for addicts. There are no non-addicts in the meetings I go to. I am happy about this, as I feel that non-addicts can’t identify with an addict as addicts can.

Addicts have more sympathy and empathy for other addicts than non-addicts.

Other addicts can best help each other. Meetings are a place where we share our experience of strength and hope of recovery with each other.

Narcotics Anonymous is a programme by addicts for addicts, and I got involved with doing NA service.
Service is my favourite part of the programme. I got involved in translations so the message of recovery can be better carried to the still-suffering addict if he or she can hear or read it in their first language.

I feel passionate about doing service.

I am a religious person today, but I never had a real working connection with my Higher Power before my drug addiction manifested in my life.

I had to get help from NA and its 12-step programme to become in touch with my Higher Power.

I am an addict. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. This is now my way of life.