Corona Chronicles: Broken nails and dreaming of trips the the salon

Tracy Schloesser talks nails, hair and brows as we near the end of lockdown.

April 26, 2020

Tracy Schloesser 3 minutes read

– Opinion –

Yesterday was a very sad day in lockdown as we had to host a small funeral for MLHMFN (my left hand middle finger nail). It was very tragic as I have been nursing my nails along for the last five-and-a-half weeks – meaning that they were already two-and-a-half weeks overdue for their regular check up.

I tried to put them on lots of bed rest and minimal activity but then remembered that I am the Mom Person, and some of this stuff (no matter how hard I beg it) is never going to clean itself. And this was when the tragedy happened – while scrubbing one of those unmentionable things called toilets, the nail just finally breathed its last and let go. (So I am living proof that housework really can be very, very detrimental to one’s health.)

I quickly arranged a small funeral, but it was very sad as no one could attend. (Well actually I didn’t even invite the “less than 50 people” legally allowed, as I really, really don’t have much alcohol left and I was scared that there would be a wake and I would have to serve my last remaining drinks!)

Fortunately the hair is holding up okay, but come the middle of May if we are still not allowed to attend hairdressers, I am going to be forced to arrange a clandestine meeting with mine, so that we can return my roots to some semblance of their former glory. As newspapers are essential services, I could be seeing him about his advertising needs and he might accidentally drop some colour on my hair and wave his scissors around while we are talking. Plus I do have an ulterior motive – he has a bar inside his salon and I might just need to help him to do some very necessary wine tasting (just in case anything went off during lockdown of course!)

On the plus side, my eyebrows haven’t yet become a unibrow so I do have that going for me. (Nothing a quick attack with a pair of tweezers couldn’t cure.) I guess it’s one of the benefits of being a “non-hairy” person, but my heart goes out to my fellow sisters who sprout hair “eleventy” seventy times quicker than the average woman and right now are looking a bit like a combination of a woolly mammoth and Chewbacca. The struggle is real I tell you.

Oh and if all else fails drink more … oh wait, never mind – if all else fails, you can always smoke cigarettes from Friday! No wait – bad idea that – as it’s not good for breathing and stuff. If all else fails, take up a small hobby to keep your mind occupied: Like crocheting weeds into placemats or playing skittles with your very empty wine bottles.

Missed some of the other Corona Chronicles? Check them out here:

Corona Chronicles: Witty Joburg resident documents past five days of social distancing

Corona Chonicles: A guide to sorting your cupboard when you have an emotional bond with your clothing

Corona Chronicles: Lockdown makes Joburger confront gridlocked passage and a lipstick dilemma

Corona Chonicles: Are mops considered an ‘essential’ item?

Corona Chronicles: Chicken or beef?

Corona Chronicles: Worry over wine stock after husband accidentally breaks three bottles

Corona Chronicles: All dressed up and off to the shops she goes

Corona Chronicles: Does reading a book and drinking a gin while lying in the sun count as housework?

Corona Chronicles: Lockdown’s become a puzzle

Corona Chronicles: New dress sense during lockdown

Corona Chronicles: How to manage household chores during lockdown