TWICE this year has Zuma tried to make an appointment to meet with British PM Cameron. Perhaps he felt like a little rest in a seven-star hotel, with a few banquets thrown in. Alas, Cameron was too busy to see him. Twice.
It would seem that, as far as relations with the UK are concerned, No 1 now finds himself deep in the no 2!
* * *
A letter in a British broadsheet:
Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East? Let me explain.
We support the Iraqi government in the fight against Islamic State. We don’t like IS, but IS is supported by Saudi Arabia, whom we do like.
We don’t like President Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him but not IS, which is also fighting against him.
We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government against IS. So, some of our friends support our enemies and some of our enemies are our friends, and some of our enemies are fighting our enemies to win.
If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they might be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who weren’t actually there until we went in to drive them out. Do you understand now?
Audrey Bailey, Fleet, Hants
* * *
Two Zimbabweans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike’s tyres goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Zimbabweans ask him for a ride.
He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20 000 bowling balls. The Zimbabweans put it to the driver that if they could manage to fit into the back with their bikes, would he take them back into town. He agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies Zimbabwean eggs.
The blonde lady cop obviously doesn’t believe this, so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the SWAT team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.
I’ve got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20 000 Zimbabwean eggs in it. Two have already hatched and they’ve managed to steal a bicycle.
* * *
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, “watch this!” and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, “That was impressive, but watch this!”
The C-130 droned along for about five minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What did you do?”
The C-130 pilot chuckled. “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak and then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. Could you do that?”
* * *
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she had missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!”
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them: “Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
He continues, “Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, and a £1m bank account.”
He continues, “If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What would you suggest?”
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and told him, “You’ll try again.”
Thanks Scorpio.
