I don’t ever allow myself to think that I cannot do something. So in my opinion, I can write – not in the conventional way like you do with pen on paper, but still.
Since childhood, I’ve always had a fascination with paper and ink. As a young girl I used to collect writing paper of various designs and prints. I’d spend hours on end paging through them with the girls at school – comparing and swapping them out.
A passionate English teacher encouraged us to write letters to children all around the world. I will never forget the joy of the very first letter I crafted and posted to a pen-pal – and the excitement of getting a reply, nearly six weeks later, all the way from America.
As a teenager I would spend hours in my room, supposedly studying, but actually listening to music, fantasising and writing long, love-letters to my “boyfriend” in the army. Never mind the fact that I had never even kissed the guy!
I’m a true romantic. For me, even today, a handwritten love letter is the ultimate.
Not too long after my accident, Nelspruit Primary School, where I had taught until my accident, presented me with my very first computer. They had raised enough funds to buy a top of the range computer with special voice activated software.
I was deeply touched by their kindness and generosity. But, to be honest, I did not even know where to switch it on. I’d had very little contact with a computer. I grew up in an era where I was not exposed to computers at school. Lift your jaw, I am not that old!
So it spent many months gathering dust. At the time, very few – if any – of my friends knew how to operate a computer. Besides not knowing who to ask for help, I was still trying to deal with the devastating changes in my life. There was more to come.
One of the worst days of my life was the day I was expected to sign my divorce papers. It had to be done using my thumbprint. I think that was when it really dawned on me that I could no longer hold a pen in my hand and sign my signature. Another part of my identity – gone!
As a teacher, I spent my days signing my signature on reports and in the children’s books. It was just something I did, without thinking about it, every single day.
My parents were given official power of attorney after that, to sign all documents on my behalf. Suddenly, it felt as if I needed permission to spend money or to buy something. Every time I needed to pay a bill or write a cheque, I needed Mom to do it. Although I was grateful for their support, I found it terribly degrading. My independent nature made it so difficult for me to accept that this is how I would need to live the rest of my life.
Defiantly, I tried to learn to take a pen in my mouth and practiced signing my signature. It was so frustrating and I failed dismally. Every time I attempted to talk the pen fell out of my mouth. Not only did I struggle to gain control of the pen, but I didn’t enjoy the drool and dribble that went along with it. Besides, I still needed somebody to put the pen into my mouth. I realized that I was going to become a freak show every time I went out shopping and got to the cashier and needed to sign a cheque.
My determined spirit forced me to think of ways that I could become more independent. That is when I noticed the computer in the corner of the room. I began to think that perhaps this was the answer after all. Besides, I had nothing much else to do with my time. And believe me, the days were long. Excruciatingly long.
So I began my tech-journey learning to use a computer with voice activated software called Dragon NaturallySpeaking. The earlier versions of the program took hours of training for the software to even remotely recognise my voice. It was a slow and agonising process.
I’ve heard of many people who tried voice activated software and eventually gave up in frustration because it was really not that accurate. I persevered, not only because it filled a big part of my day, but I simply had no other choice.
With time Dragon NaturallySpeaking software really improved and I grew in confidence, and dependency. At present I’m using Dragon NaturallySpeaking Professional 12 which has just been bought for me by the Lions Club of Nelspruit. It is a vast improvement from where I started. I’m no longer confined to a desktop but rather using a top of the range Dell laptop which was bought for me by my close friend, Ina Ferreira. The installation of the voice program as well as the service and upkeep of my laptop is kindly done by Frans van Rooyen of BLT. Without these and many other Earth Angels, I would be unable to keep up with the technological advances which help make my life so much more bearable.
Technology allows me to be in control of certain aspects of my life thus diminishing the sense of total dependency. It brings a great sense of freedom and a welcome relief to my feelings of isolation, idleness and boredom. Ironically, the technology I was initially so terrified of now prevents me from going completely insane. Basically, I can do anything on the computer that you can do by simply using my voice. You cannot imagine the difference it has made to my life.
Writing is cathartic and it has the potential to whisk me off into another world. Although writing allows me to dream and hope, it brings some challenges like forcing me to face my reality in order for me to share my life with you.
I will always long to sign my signature, just one more time. I will always wish to be able to pick up a pen in my hand and write a handwritten note. But in the meantime this is how I write. Talking into a microphone linked to my computer.
Beware. I speak Dragon.
