Two bits – 16 May 2014

No matter how small a change, the political landscape is going to be different for at least the next five years.

The ANC may have lost ground marginally across the country, but it picked up votes in KZN. As pointed out on our Letters page this week, it seems ANC supporters don’t much care about Nkandla. If I get a RDP house, who cares if the President gets a cattle kraal!

The five or six percent that the DA gained, at the cost of Cope and other parties like the Minority Front and ACDP, is a real shot in the arm for the party. The DA did particularly well in KZN, ousting the IFP as the official opposition – which truth be told was split down the middle by the breakaway National Freedom Party. The DA go from seven seats to 10 in the KZN legislature.

The real success story of the DA must be on the Dolphin Coast. In the 2009 local government elections, Ann McDonnell squeaked home to take Ward 22 (Salt Rock-Shakaskraal) by 200 votes from the ANC. This time the majority from the ward’s polling stations was 2 604 votes!

Everyone, including me, has been surprised that their predictions about Julius Malema’s EFF have come true or even been surpassed. More than a million votes only eight months after the party was formed is a pretty impressive tally.

What he does next is what counts. Guaranteed he’s going to raise blood pressures all round. He’s already shouting the odds about parliament’s ‘silly rules’, so he plans to stomp all over tradition in Slaapstad. I want to know if he’ll be forced to settle his R16 million tax bill before being allowed into parliament.

Hey, our politics is often idiotic, but seldom boring.

* * *

Danny Fisher, entertainer extraordinaire at the Pumpkin theatre in Ballito, knows how to put on a good show. Last week he performed free for the Courier Orphan Fund, putting on a great show for the 140 guests who packed out the theatre.

I loved his story about being introduced to Welsh superstar Tom Jones backstage at Sun City, because he used to sing with one of Tom’s backing singers. He shook Tom’s hand and told him how much he admired his performances. Someone let slip that Danny was pretty good at Tom Jones impersonations.

Long story short, Danny wound up with a comp ticket for the front row of the show, sitting with all the larnies. One woman kind of looked down her nose at him and asked “And how did you get here?”

Never lost for words, Danny says “I’m Tom’s stunt singer.”

Oh says she, what’s a stunt singer?

Danny confessed to us he made it up on the spur of the moment, but told her that if Tom had to stop singing for a moment, take a sip of water or something, Danny’s job was to carry on singing for him.

The woman looked sceptical, but then Tom comes out on stage to thunderous applause and comes right to the front of the stage, where he spots Danny, points at him and says “Watch and learn!”

The larnies were impressed!

* * *

A man walked into an antique shop and sees a beautiful brass rat. He asks how much it cost.

The owner said, “It’s R10 for the brass rat and R1,000 for the story”. The man paid the owner R10 and left the store with his brass rat.

As he left the store he noticed a little furry face peering at him from the gutter. Then he saw another furry whiskered face watching him. As he walked along the street he began to see rats everywhere he looked. The man began walking faster, hoping to get away from the rats but soon thousands were following him. He started running and tens of thousands of rats followed him, running even faster. He began to panic as hundreds of thousands of rats chased him. As he ran he noticed that he was approaching the river. In horror he saw millions of rats closing in on him and he had no means of escape! He ran to the river bank and hurled the brass rat into the water. He watched as tens of millions of rats jumped into the water and drowned!

The man was quite shaken by all of this. He ran back to the antique shop and burst through the door. “So,” the owner said. “You are back for the story?”

“No,” the man said. I was just wondering if you had any brass politicians.”