Two Bits – 24 January 2014

Picture the scene: the boss’s office in a company. In walks a young person who has been selected for a job interview. On paper, she seems to meet the job requirements. Good matric, lives locally and is presentably dressed.
She introduces herself and sits down. She speaks well and generally makes a good first impression.
And then snorts. You know, one of those snot-sucking slurps that make your blood run cold. Well, mine anyway, because it has happened to me. Maybe mothers who are used to snotty babies could cope, but I can’t stand it.
So I ask: “Do you have a handkerchief?” In return I get a blank stare and a look that translates as ‘Like, what?’ Like, what’s that got to do with anything?
Last year’s school-leavers are out there now, looking for jobs. I’d like to pass on some simple tips on how to create a good first impression.
Your first hurdle is to get to the job interview. Write a letter stating your qualifications, experience if any, and why you have selected this particular company to work for. Do not make ridiculous claims that you will be an asset to the company. You’re 18 years old, you have no experience and admit it, you don’t know what qualities they’re looking for. The person hiring you doesn’t expect you to know anything. Last thing they want is a smartass.
If you are selected for an interview, first off dress neatly and respectably. Clean your shoes and brush your hair. It’s okay to be nervous, so get over it. Plaster a big smile across your face, speak clearly and answer the questions. Again with a smile. The interviewer probably has five other candidates to interview that week, and the best way you can stand out from the crowd is to be cheerful, confident and pleasant. Employers want cheerful, positive people. Sourpusses can ruin the atmosphere of a whole office.
The person hiring you is looking for someone who will represent the company in its dealings with its customers. Because that’s a crucial part of your job, whether you’re a clerk or a sales manager or an executive. Your company is only as client-friendly good as the people you employ. Ninety percent of what makes a good employee boils down to one word – attitude. If you concentrate on keeping a pleasant manner and being willing to learn, you’re on the way to being a real asset to the company. It’s great to be confident, but also remember to be honest. If you keep saying ‘Yes, I can do that’ it will be a red flag. If you don’t know something, admit it. That’s what training is for.
Some job seekers shoot themselves in the foot long before the first interview. Recently I received an email from an applicant for a job we’d advertised, wanting to know what the salary would be.
The answer to that is, what I decide to offer after I’ve interviewed you, knucklehead, so I didn’t bother to reply. I want people with passion, who I will pay according to education, experience, ability, industry norms and what the company can afford. If your only interest in a job is for the money, go teach English in Japan.
I’ve had a few interviews with people who’ve looked bored. I don’t know if they had a few Valiums beforehand or smoked a joint or two, but bored will get you nowhere. Finally, I let you in on another secret. Sometimes you will do everything absolutely right and still not get the job, for a raft of reasons not related to you. Maybe there was a more suitable candidate because they lived near the office, or because the boss was forced by his wife to take on the youngest son of a second cousin. There are lots of reasons why you might not get a job, but the most important thing is not to let it get you down.
Keep trying, keep smiling, and eventually you will succeed.
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”