Two Bits – 23 May 2014

South Africans just cannot resist a smooth talker, can we? Agang SA leader Mamphela Ramphele is the latest in a long line of fakes in this rich tapestry of South African life.

Who could believe, after all that posturing and breast-beating about her visions for the new SA etc etc, that she can just walk out on the 52 000 voters who backed her two weeks ago? The “kiss” that sealed a marriage with the DA, that lasted less than a week, should have been ample warning that the woman is off her trolley. Clever, articulate, outspoken, but completely bonkers. Now, having secured enough votes for a seat in Parliament, she is giving it up to another Agang stuffed shirt, so she can “take a break” from politics. So, 52 000 votes wasted.

Five years earlier, voters cheered enthusiastically when Cope emerged onto the scene, working on the premise of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”. There was a brief moment when the Cope smooth talkers looked like they might actually have a future, but once again greed and massive egos caused it to fall flat on its face.

We’re so gullible. Who remembers the Kubus scheme? It was a home-grown Ponzi scheme that was invented here in the 80s by a fellow called Adriaan Nieuwoudt and later exported to the USA.

Back in the 1980s, Nieuwoudt raised millions of rands through his “milk culture” project and thousands of South Africans fell for it, furiously buying the mixture of cheese and milk culture from Nieuwoudt, “growing” it in glasses and then drying it into a powder to re-sell to Nieuwoudt and recruiting others to do the same, in a classic pyramid scheme.

The country went wild! Thousands of people invested a reported R140 million in the scheme before it was declared an illegal lottery.

At the time Nieuwoudt claimed that he needed vast quantities of the dried powder to develop a skin cream product. However, there never was such a product and investigators found that the milk culture was simply a cover for a pyramid scheme. Tons of dried milk-culture were found rotting in a shed.

Remember the airplane rides? That was a pyramid scheme that took the country – even Ballito – by storm in the 80s. Basically, you’d get invited along to a “party” where the hosts took a sudden liking to you. To them, you seem sharp and able to recognise a gold mine when you see it. They only offered an airplane ride, an opportunity to make fantastic money, to their closest friends, but they’re willing to make an exception for you. They said if you got in on this opportunity now, you’d be an early investor in the next big thing. Not only that, it was fail-safe and would return your investment in no time. If you were sceptical, why not ask your friends at the party – they invested last month and have already seen returns. You do ask them, and it’s true. So why not hand over a few hundred rands before it’s too late?

I’ve forgotten exactly how they worked it, but it was a repeat of the same formula: the “pilot” had to get 10 people to buy a seat on the plane for R500 each and so pocket R5000, which allowed each “passenger” to go out and find another 10 suckers.

So you phoned all your mates and curiously enough, they had also been “passengers” and were now “pilots” looking for a planeload of investors. Half the town was trying to recruiit the other half! Well, everybody was going to get wildly rich until . . . the scheme collapsed with much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

At the tender age of 18, when we’re all still stupid and desperate for money, I was conned into becoming a salesman for an outfit called Golden Products. I had to buy a R100 “agency” plus R100 worth of products – then about a month’s salary – and flog them off wherever I could. I was going to be rich! I worked myself to the bone, knocking on doors every night up and down ‘Maritzburg. I eventually managed to sell it all but when I went back for a refill, the suppliers had done a flit and there was a long line of “agents” wailing.

Well, I suppose it was the price of an education. I’ve never been even tempted by those email scams, though I do know people who have. Apparently the 419 scams – and variations that get cleverer by the day – still net hundred of millions of bucks around the world every year, because people are suckered into believing, want to believe, that they can get something for nothing.

If you voted for Julius because you believe he will give you land for free, you are going to be disappointed. It will never happen, not in your or your children’s children’s lifetimes.

Forget the smooth talking – there’s only one way you’re going to own a property that you will take pride in. From the day you start work, save like your life depends on it. From day one, put some of your wages into unit trusts – or buy shares – and keep doing it every month for the rest of your days. You will suddenly discover how compound interest works and guaranteed it will be a pleasant surprise, free from empty promises.

* * *

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop – reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some of the contents onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist..”Could you taste this for me, please?”

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy. “No, not at all,” says the chemist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”