Two Bits – 17 October 2014

Talk about Blue Mondays! The telephone system broke down, the network printer mysteriously disappeared from the network and then my frustration at a long, dragged out hassle with the bank finally boiled over and I lost it. People accuse government of incompetence, but the truth is, it’s everywhere.
Four months ago I asked Absa Stockbrokers to open a JSE share trading account for a trust. To comply with Fica, blah, blah, I filled in a whole lot of forms which included the usual up-to-date municipal accounts to prove place of residence. I must say at this point that I have always had excellent service from Absa. In this case I suspect that one of more people were not doing their jobs. Anyhow, two months dragged by with not a whisper from them. So I phoned.
“Oh, sir, you need to open a bank account for the trust.”
“So, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?” I asked.
No answer. So I asked Absa to open an account for the trust, going through the whole form-filling exercise all over again. Handed the forms over and waited. Another two months go by until I phone the regional office. Oh, they say all innocent, the account has already been opened. Again I ask, why didn’t you tell me? Terribly sorry, they simper, won’t happen again.
Now I email the stockbrokers and say here is the bank account number, please continue with opening the trading account. Whoa, hold your horses, says some clever little Account Executive! The time limit for the municipal accounts, she says, has expired! Biting my knuckles, I send her new ones.
On Monday, now four months and counting, I email the Account Executive to ask what is going on, and the email bounces back. She’s left the company!
Now I’m coming to a slow boil and I phone some poor unfortunate in Jo’burg and demand to know what is going on! Oh, says he, the account has been opened.
Again I ask, why hasn’t anybody told me?
“You have to go online to register,” he says.
Still trying to be patient, I asked how I was supposed to go online to “register” an account if they don’t tell me the account exists? His reply was what finally drove me over the edge. He said that he would send me an email confirming the account once I had registered. Then I had to send him an email with instructions on handling of the account.
I just lost it. I went completely ape. You know those messages that tell you that “this call may be recorded for training purposes”? Absa would do well to use that particular tape for “training purposes” – on how not to treat clients.
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I know my daughter, and I’m sure every child who attended the Nippers training run by the Power boys 20 years or so ago down at Clarke Bay, would agree that the lessons learned then will stand by them the rest of their lives.
Any kid who has been a nipper knows how to look after themselves in the sea. They think before they jump in and, should the need arise, they know how to get themselves and others out of trouble.
The death of a lady at Zimbali beach is a tragedy. Without going into the details of that particular case, it serves as a sharp reminder that the sea can be a dangerous place.
Holiday season is fast approaching and we all want visitors to enjoy themselves, but we locals could do them a favour to remind them that they’re not jumping into a swimming pool. People die on the roads all the time, but it is especially tragic when they die while enjoying a dip in the ocean.
Tell them to only swim where there are lifeguards and never after drinking alcohol, under any circumstances.
Secondly, rips develop very fast with no warning. When you are caught in a rip, your first instinct is to try to swim back to shore. That is when most drownings happen.
A rip is far stronger than the average swimmer and they will rapidly become exhausted, then will not be able to surface when swamped by a wave.
If they are good swimmers, the rule is to swim across the rip, that is parallel with the shore. Rips aren’t usually very wide.
The paramount rule when in a stressful situation in the waves, such as being caught in a rip, is don’t panic! If you can’t swim, then simply let the rip take you. It will drop you after a few dozen metres. You will not disappear over the horizon, guaranteed!
Nippers was revived a little while back. In fact, we have a story about them in this issue. Give your child a gift they will value for the rest of their lives and send them to Nippers.
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s alright now!