Two Bits – 16 January 2015

The holidaymakers have had it pretty good this year haven’t they! The electricity has been on most of the time, the water restrictions weren’t too, well, restrictive, the roads worked, the sun shone and the sea was clean and well-behaved.

Newcomers to the area will have noticed something strange happens to relationships with family and friends after you move to the beach. You suddenly become more popular! Cousins who haven’t spoken to you in years “just happen to be in the area” and would like a bed for the night, or longer. Of course it’s wonderful to see family and friends, but sometimes it can turn awkward.

A long time ago, Rose and I lived in Cape Town and grew to love the wild beaches of the west coast, up towards Langebaan. So one year we hired a cottage for a week at Churchhaven. No doubt it’s grown, but back then it was a tiny community where there was nothing else to do but fish, collect mussels, walk on the beach and drink red wine. Perfect.

We told some friends our plans and they said ooh, they’d love to visit the place, they’d heard so much about it. So we invited them to join us for the first weekend.

So they arrived, man and wife and two little snotnosed brats. They, the couple that is, then proceeded to fight non-stop from the moment they got there. Everything was a big deal and a cross word, slamming of doors and sulking in the bedroom. Of course the kids were miserable as well.

Come Sunday Rose and I were going bananas. At lunch I said to the fellow: go easy on the wine, you’ve got a long drive back to Cape Town.

Oh no, says he, since you’ve got the house for the week we’ve decided to stay on!

I was young then and didn’t know how to handle the situation, so I just said ‘Gee, how nice’, all the time thinking “Did I just say that?”

Well, as you can imagine, our holiday was in tatters. The atmosphere in the house was so stiff you could have cut it into blocks and sold it for starch. And all this time they’re eating our food and drinking our wine, not contributing one thing.

Tuesday morning I’d had enough. This was long before cell phones, so I drove off, pretending to be going shopping at the nearest village. On my return I said I’d phoned the office. There was a crisis and we had to return to Cape Town immediately. Pack up, we had to go now!

So we packed everything, forcing them to do the same. I had to make plenty of urgent noises to get them to hurry up. Our child, who thought we were staying for a week, was in tears!

Finally we got both cars packed and ready to go. We stood there in the road, Rose, myself and our daughter, waving them goodbye. And they drove off, still fighting hell for leather.

Finally we could tell our child that it had all been a bluff. We were staying for the whole week. I don’t think she trusted us much after that, but what can you do? But what a blissful few days we had together, free at last!

We heard the free-loading couple split up a few months later – no surprise there – and haven’t seen them since. No loss.

What was your worst experience of visitors? How did it compare with our experience? I’d love to hear your stories.

It brings to mind a piece of nonsense poetry by Mervyn Peake:

It is most best,

Most very best,

To frown upon a welcome guest –

To frown and weep –

Oh lackaday!

Then tie him to a hornets’ nest

And steal away.

* * *

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink tea, coffee, carbonated drinks, juices and yoghurt. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!