Two Bits – 29 May 2015

Some things about the Umhlali side of town don’t change. The village horse may have died, but the villagers are still plentiful.
Sunday morning, I’ve been sent to Tiffany’s on an errand by my wife, while she’s off at church praying for my soul. She’s given me strict instructions to get some enchinaforce and a bottle of 3CP. Apparently that’s the new name of TCP, an antiseptic she uses to gargle for a sore throat, a family traditional remedy since Grandpa fell off the bus.
Found the enchinaforce in Clicks, which as far as I’m concerned, after carefully reading the label, is less about natural, holistic medicine than a concealed delivery system for 99% proof alcohol – no wonder people feel better after 30 drops! In fact, the sicker Rose is, the merrier she gets!
Anyhow, searched high and low for 3CP, with no luck. And while I’m on the subject of searching, what is it with pharmacies? They’ve got everything from Barbie dolls to potato crisps everywhere, with the medicines squeezed in like afterthoughts. Like upmarket trading stores, that’s what they are.
So I chirped to Tony Burningham behind the counter, “Hey Tony, you’ve got lots of stuff in here. Where’s the TCP?”
Do I get help? Not a lot. “Haw, haw,” guffaws Tony. “You’re showing your age, Bruce. That stuff’s long gone.”
Ewald Plekker was also in the shop, so he adds his two cents worth: “It’s called something else now. Try Spar!” he chirps. Not to be left out, Trevor Thompson agrees I’m getting old. According to him, TCP went out with some horse linament even I’ve never heard of. More Trevor’s generation, actually.
I happen to know, because my mother swore by some wound oil she used on the horses. And on us kids, I suppose because she had it in the house and it was cheaper than hospital. For slightly less serious wounds, which three adventurous boys get quite a lot, she gave liberal applications of iodine. Yooff, the sting! Sometimes we’d hide grazes to avoid the iodine. But I must concede that Rose had it tougher. On the farm, she says, cuts and grazes were bathed in methylated spirits. Eina! The thought of it!
I didn’t find 3CP in the Spar, but I know why Ewald thought of it. The best medicine that ever there was used to be on sale in the supermarkets. I’m talking about Chamberlain’s Colic Remedy. Man, there was an effective over-the-counter medicine if ever there was!
The Chamberlain’s company was founded in America in 1881, at a time when almost anything could be put into patent medicines, including morphine, alcohol, cocaine and heroin. Chamberlain’s factories somehow spread to Australia and South Africa as well. I think their cough syrup was pretty suspect, being laced with opium, but the ingredients of the colic remedy were alcohol, blackberry root and chloroform. Whatever, there was no better cure for an upset stomach than Chamberlain’s! It’s also off the market now. I think the company has closed down.
* * *
When it comes to bureaucracy, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
Last week we revealed that the emergency pipeline from the Tongaat River to Hazelmere Dam was 1.5km shorter than it should have been. From where it stops, the water would have to flow across a plain and over a ridge before getting to the dam. Nice work. And to top that, the pipe was bone dry when we looked last week.
But the bureaucrats were adamant that the water was flowing strongly. In fact, by Monday there was a trickle. But according to Umgeni in Monday’s paper, the pipeline supplies “8 million to 10 million litres a day to the dam”. I think they’re working on the principle that if you say something often enough, people will believe you.
What is really worrying is that there is no rain on the horizon. The JoJo tank we use for watering the garden is empty and I wonder how long it will be before we will have to resort to water tankers.

* * *
I was once driving a truckload of cough syrup across the desert. I’m a bit of an addict so I grabbed a bottle to swig on as I drove.
As night fell I heard a bang and realized one of my tires had blown. Since it was too dark to see well enough to fix the tire I decided to find shelter for the night.
I remembered seeing a cabin back down the road. Grabbing my cough syrup I walked back towards it. When I reached it I knocked on the door but no one answered, so finally I broke in through a window. It was obvious no one had lived there in years.
I pulled out my cigarette lighter and managed to get a fire going in the fire place. So warm! It was the perfect place to spend a lonely night.
Then I heard a noise. I looked up and saw it – a coffin floating towards me. I jumped up and ran to another room of the cabin but the coffin followed me. I dodged the coffin and ran to another room but it still kept following me while making this hideous moaning noise.
I must have run around that cabin for an hour. By then I was completely exhausted and thinking I was doomed. Then I remembered something.
I pulled my bottle of cough syrup out of my pocket and took a swig.
And the coffin stopped.