Two Bits – 25 September 2015

If anyone yells Banzai! at me this week, I will not be responsible for my actions!

Oh my word! So this was South Africa’s version of Pearl Harbour. The little Japs ran rings around our tired old team like a fox terrier round an old labrador.

The manhandling last Saturday afternoon at Brighton was so humiliating that on the Stephenson couch, I started yelling for the Japs. My patriotic (but hopelessly romantic) wife was outraged. She said if they won it would be my fault.

Well, I can’t take all the credit. Coach Eddie Jones must take a bow, as well as a team that fought for the whole 80 minutes.

Everything the fans this side of the border predicted about Heyneke’s Meyer’s shortcomings sadly turned out true. The team was too old and it wasn’t selected on merit. It was a case of ‘as jou bloed is blou, Meyer’s die man vir jou!’ And of course he immediately opened himself up for criticism from black commentators, who said he should have played all the blacks on the bench.

Strategically, that’s what he should do. Put all the black players in the starting lineup against Samoa. If they want to impress and prove everyone wrong who says they aren’t good enough, then they will play their hearts out to win. But, if their performance is found lacking, then all the critics will have to shut up.

It didn’t take long for the jokes to start on Saturday about the Japanese switching their diet to Springbok. Ja, ha ha. Perhaps Meyer could learn one thing from them – the practice of seppuku, or ritual suicide. Fall on your sword, Meyer, it’s the honourable thing to do!

* * *

So, we need a new national rugby coach.

When did this irritating habit of starting every sentence with “so” creep into our language? I’m not even sure that it can be defined.

For example, in the sentence “He spoke so fast I could barely hear him”, the “so” is an adverb. In “My elbow is sore, so I went to a doctor,” it is a conjunction.

What grammatical function does it serve in the sentence “So, what are you doing today?” None that I can work out.

I think that that “so” serves as a delaying factor, giving the person time to think. Like a drawn out “We-e-e-l-l-l, it’s like this . . ,” the verbal equivalent of tapping your pipe on your boot, as Oom Schalk Lourens used to do when he needed a dramatic pause in his storytelling.

Politicians use it a lot, as though what they’re saying is a consequence to what has gone before, making it sound like a conclusion. “So, you can be sure that my party will be addressing this issue forthwith!” When you hear a politician saying this or almost any of the irritating phrases listed below, you can be sure he/she is about to tell a whopper. It’s proof of the joke “How can you tell when a politician is lying?” Answer: “When you see his lips moving.”

Top of my list of irritating phrases is “At the end of the day”. Having some shares on the JSE, I like to watch the business report in the evenings. One of the panellists they use is very fond of starting his replies with “At the end of the day . . .” and it drives me wild! But I am not alone. That expression topped a list of most irritating phrases compiled by academics at Oxford University, so it’s a universal irritation.

Here are a few more of the phrases that get my goat:

“Fairly unique.” What is that supposed to mean? It’s either unique or it’s not.

“I, personally.” As opposed to “I, collectively?”

“At this moment in time.” If you just said “now”, you would avoid wasting four words and two seconds of everybody’s time.

“With all due respect.” This means “I’m going to say this politely, but I don’t want to.”

“To be frank . . .” As opposed to the rest of the things I say, which are evasive. . .

“Honestly . . .” Typically I’m lying, but in this case I’m being honest. Maybe.

“Just saying.” Just saying what? And why do you feel the need to alert people that you are, indeed, speaking?

“Same difference.” So . . . is it the same? Or different? Are the differences between the two things that you’re comparing the same?

“24/7.” “All the time” or “Around the clock” will do nicely, unless of course you live in an American sitcom.

“It’s not rocket science.” It means “If you don’t get this, you are dumb.” Not polite.

“Can I go with?” (or “wif”) A pure South Africanism. May you go with whom?

Looking back at my schooling, I cannot but help admire those few teachers who managed to engage my interest for long enough to cram something into my head. I was fortunate to pass through the hands of Mrs Cliff at Merchiston in ‘Maritzburg, a fine primary school then and probably still is today. She taught grammar with an iron rod. You did not mess with her or the English language! Thanks to her, I can spot most spelling and grammatical errors at 50 paces.

* * *

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense situation.