Bruce’s favourite milkshakes in Ballito

Every man has to have a hobby, something to keep him out of the house and from under his wife’s feet. My hobby is milkshakes.

I know they’re loaded with all sorts of sugars and ice cream and things that would make Tim Noakes have hysterics – in fact, call this my revenge on Noakes for making everybody so bloody banting boring – but nobody said hobbies had to be worthy and constructive. They just have to be interesting.

Once a week I have a really double-hectic exercise routine, and as a reward I treat myself to a milkshake. Actually, this hobby is not entirely about my own pleasure. It has something of a scientific bent, in that I am searching for the best milkshakes on the North Coast. Out of duty, I visit a different milkshake establishment every week.

I was delighted to discover recently that I am not alone in this appreciation of the splendid milkshake. Meeting up with the esteemed Keith Duane recently for refreshments, I was astonished when he ordered a lime milkshake. “Just what a wanted myself,” I said. “Bring two.”

Keith’s philosophy is that life is too short not to enjoy the best while you can. “Pfff, who needs John Platter’s wine guide. Wine snobs don’t know what they’re missing!”

The first milkshake I remember having was at the Creamery in ‘Maritzburg, about 50 years ago. Saturday mornings we teenagers would prowl up and down Church St and Longmarket St, dressed in our coolest gear, eyeing out the girls and the girls eyeing out the boys. My proudest possession at the time was a Rolling Stones-style teeshirt with broad horizontal stripes, just like the one Mick Jagger wore, singing “Under My Thumb”.

Anyhow, if you were lucky enough to have some money, the Creamery on the corner of Longmarket St and Library Lane was a “must”, right along with The Arab coffee bar in the lane itself and Ricky’s Records in Church St.

Why I remember that milkshake in particular was because I took the sweetest girl there one Saturday morning. Terrified out of my mind, I asked her to go “steady”. And she said yes! It was vitally important then to have a steady girlfriend. All my friends had steadies. I wasn’t even sure what it meant, really. It turned out it meant lots of breathy phone calls after school and meeting up once a week at a “session” in one of the church halls for sweaty cheek-to-cheek dancing and maybe even a very amateurish kiss, but hey, you’re only young once!

In the early Sixties, the price of a milkshake was about 20 cents. To buy two meant I’d have had to save my pocket money for a month and even then I’d have scoured the veldt for empty cooldrink bottles for the tickey (2.5 cents) deposit. Twenty years after the Second World War, there wasn’t much money around. These days I mentally shout “I’ve been robbed!” when presented with the R25 bill for a shake. It’s just a reflex, but hard to shrug off.

But back to the point. What’s a good milkshake and where do you find one? First rule is, the shake has to be so thick that the straw stands up straight. And not a normal straw, a double wide one. Second, it must be freezing cold, but no lumps of ice cream or ice crystals. Third, it must taste delicious. See, no complicated rules about sniffing or gargling or swirling it around the glass or asking where the ruddy cow came from. Simple pleasures for a simple man.

I’ve decided on Wimpy as the benchmark for milkshake grading. The Wimpy shake is probably the best known in SA. It’s not bad at all, the straw stands up and it comes in the traditional fluted glass. What marks it down for me is the lump of artificial whipped cream and a sprinkle of multicoloured little balls. The one I had at the Lifestyle centre was perfectly okay – not the best, but certainly not the worst. Price R26.

In fact I’m not going to tell you about the worst ones. You’d think restaurant/cafe owners would welcome a little criticism, but my experience is the opposite. There are too many sensitive souls in the food business these days. Why they can’t just suck it up and try to improve their offerings – or go into the hardware business – I don’t know, but there you have it.

I had to try the McDonalds shake, since the kids rate them so highly. It passes the straw test, though gets marked down in my book by coming in a cardboard cup. Secondly, it’s soft serve ice cream, not milk and ice cream. So it rates below the Wimpy benchmark, but there are two big pluses in its favour – you can’t beat the price of a big one at only R18, and I got it in about 30 seconds. That’s what keeps people coming back.

But speed is not what I’m looking for, necessarily. A great shake takes a little time. Piccadeli in The Junction serves a mean shake. The taste is just right, but the texture is inconsistent. While the first one was so thick I had to wait five minutes before I could suck it through the straw, the second was on the thin side. Pricey at R28, but second best so far.

Sage at Foxhill serves a consistently and beautifully thick, creamy textured shake, tasty without being too sweet, and a generous size. On top of that, I like the comfy chairs on the shady verandah. Definitely would have impressed a girl to take her there! Pricewise okay at R26. The best I’ve had so far.

Did I mention that I’ve only tested lime shakes (vanilla at McDonalds, ‘cos they don’t have lime)? I’ll carry on with lime until I’ve exhausted the possibilities, then move onto chocolate or strawberry. The memorable shake I had at the Creamery was a honey and Horlicks. It was so good I can still taste it, but for some reason they’re not easy to come by these days. Sigh, like everything, standards are slipping!

• • •

Father O’Reilly was driving up to Eshowe when he got stopped for speeding in Umhlali. The traffic cop smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’

‘Only water,’ replied Father O’Reilly.

The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’

The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’