Two Bits: Give a dog a name and he’ll . . .

I love dogs. I’ve had a dog since I was knee high and they’ve been constant companions, except when we were living overseas.

For the last 35 years or so we owned Dobermans. They’re very good watchdogs and great companions, though they need a lot of socialising. We love to walk on the beach every morning, also to exercise the dogs, though on occasion the Dobie just took a dislike to another dog and then there was blood and fur flying. The other dog’s blood and fur. Tends to make one unpopular with their owners.

So when our last Dobie died, we decided to look for a gentler dog and settled on a lovely black Labrador. His name is Magic – after the chocolates, natch – and a nicer puppy you could not meet. He has got to say hello to absolutely everyone on the beach with a big lick and plays with all the other dogs.

Like most Labradors, he has no fear of water. He loves swimming, leaping into rock pools and, much to Rose’s helpless disapproval, our swimming pool. Well, we thought, we’ve got the (almost) perfect dog. Until last Friday.

That evening, Magic decided he could not wait for us to take him to the beach in the morning. So he did something the Doberman had never done – he jumped the 1.5 metre fence at one end of the property and headed off.

I searched the streets, but nothing. Then Rose put a message out on social media and, hey, within 30 minutes some kind person said they had found him in the road at Chaka’s Rock, dripping wet after swimming in the Chaka’s tidal pool, so had dropped him off at the Ballito fire station. No, he wasn’t wearing a name tag. I haven’t known where to find a tough one since the guy who used to engrave them outside Pick n Pay moved on.

I don’t know if I’ve compounded the problem, but we had a brass name tag from that era, left over from a previous dog named Wanda. She was a pavement special Maureen Peranovich decided we needed to adopt and, well, she wandered all over the place, but she did always come home. I know that’s not Magic’s name, but it has Rose’s cell number on it.

So I put the tag on Magic’s collar and, wouldn’t you know it, on Saturday morning he jumped the fence again. Give a dog a name – Wanda by name, wander by nature!

This time he was picked up by the folk at Salt café, wet and happy, he had a phone number, so all ended well (perhaps he’d gone there for pizza). But, I realised, it was time for action. So I bought a roll of chicken wire and after much hacking through the bush, cutting my hands and a lot of swearing, the fence was doubled in height.

Did I mention this was done in the pouring rain? Wasn’t the rain just great! All the farmers at Coastal Farmers’ co-op were smiling for a change, so the rain must have been terrific. And a lot of it went down my neck while putting up the fence. But worth it, I thought.

Problem solved? I’m afraid not. As soon as I let Magic out of the house, he swarmed over that higher fence like the cow over the moon. I might as well have left the gate open.

Rose fetched him from a kind person a few streets away, again thanks to Wanda’s name tag. But what are we to do? I’m still working on that.

But I am now warming to the idea that perhaps I prefer cats.

* * *

South Africa is now in recession, and it’s hit everybody really hard.

• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

• The Guptas laid off 25 Parliamentarians.

• I met a Mormon with only one wife.

• If the bank blocks your credit card with “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

• Parents in Zimbali fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

• A truckload of South Africans was caught sneaking into Zimbabwe.

• A picture is now only worth 200 words.

• The Sibaya casino is now managed by Somalian pirates.

• I lay awake last night, depressed about the economy, land grabs, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc., I called the suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited. And asked if I could drive a truck.