Monday Muse: Rubber can be Dundee’s new gold in the wake of new demand

Dunlop has confirmed that they will be sponsoring the next spinning event in Dundee. Pioneered by local racing and community activist, Preshu Singh, car spinning has put Dundee on the map – long before stone throwing took over as the local favourite past time.

“We have had a hell of a demand for tyres in the Dundee area over the past few weeks. Apparently, you guys are going through them like crazy and I can tell you, our Dunlops are made to last. I know the roads are generally k*k but, gee, I am so impressed with the demand that we want to give something back – you know like those guys who matriculate locally, go to Joburg and become tenderpreneurs and then come back to the sticks and dish out money to the hapless,” said Jon La Band.

He says the tyre industry is bouncing back after a slack decade or more following the heady days of the late 1980s and early 90s.”As you know the late Mama Winnie was one of our patron saints of the tyre industry but things have gone quiet since then. Thank goodness that Dundee is burning again and the tyre industry is again inflating.”

He stressed that Continentals have a longer burning capacity but that his product is more combustible. “Even a Lion match can light one and considering these days that matches are up to k*k, that is really impressive.”

Asked about the helicopter dispatched to Dundee (as per the Whats App messages that swept through town last week), Mr La Band said his company was also supplying tyres to the chopper.

“Many people say we are playing both sides by supplying tyres to both proponents. The same thing happened in the Anglo Boer War when some people sold bread to both Boer and Brit, so nothing changes.”
The chopper did not get off the ground, sadly. Donkeys invaded the airfield and took on the resident horses in a fight for land supremacy at the airfield.

The chopper had no chance, said pilot Captain Mbense… “the donkeys were everywhere, really aggressive. They were carrying pangas and sticks and warned the horses not to go to work which actually means, do not graze on the runway.”

A song for Dundee:

The chopper tried to make it to the Oval but a profusion of litter – mainly KFC boxes from the last political rally held there – again prevented the helicopter from landing there. Eventually, the chopper idea was shelved and a load of rubber bullets was called in from China to rubberize the unruly elements that have made Dundee the new battlefields.

“We are going to have put up a few more monuments here. The Anglo Zulu and Anglo Boer Wars are important but now can be supplemented by paying homage to those guys who successfully avoided being rubberized when the cops let loose near Dundee Secondary on Friday,” says Talana Museum.

Council is to this week debate the proposal that the municipal coat of arms be changed to include a tyre and a rubber bullet.

“It makes sense.. history lives. With children also learning to strike (they can as they do not yet work like 80% of those who do cause turmoil in the town) it is important that we keep history dynamic. The new education system has called for inclusion of all in the curriculum so what better than letting them light a few tyres, threaten commuters and stone a few cars. I can see a few A students coming through the ranks come the end of the year,” commented No Exam Kubheka.

Hopes are high that the tyre demand will give new impetus to a moribund economy – tyres may give Dundee the inflation it needs to get things going again before the tread wears out.