En Passant: Your stars for 2015 – what won’t happen

AT THE BEGINNING of last year I doubt if anyone could have predicted the events that actually transpired. It was a funny old year, and if it was a funny old year globally then it was probably a funny old year for you personally.
And the thing is that nobody can tell you what’s going to happen this year either. Trust me, you can consult the wisest sage, gaze at the furthest star or closely at the entrails of a slaughtered fowl, and you’ll still not be able to tell me if it will rain for sure next  Thursday, let alone who will win the Durban July.
Nope, predicting the future is a risky business riddled with broad statements and generalisations. It’s a lot more accurate and easier to predict what will NOT happen, and with this is mind, here are my predictions for you for the year ahead, what your stars foretell (read them all – they apply to everybody, regardless of birthdate):

ARIES (Mar 21 – April 20)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. Nor much else, for that matter. It’s also unlikely that if the petrol price comes down that you’ll actually feel any richer. The money you save on petrol will simply be absorbed elsewhere. Lucky cold meat: Bratwurst.

TAURUS (Apr 21 – May 21)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. This year, also once again, your bank will not phone you to tell you that they made a hideous mistake with their charges on your account, and please sir, here’s a R10,000 refund. No ways, José. Lucky car part: Starter motor.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. And I’m pretty certain that you will not win the Comrades Marathon, the London Marathon, or the Boston Marathon. In fact, let’s face it, your resolution to join a local athletic club this year has already gone down the toilet. Lucky vegetable: Brussels sprout.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. Nor this year are you going to get round to writing the Great South African Novel, for which a major publishing house will pay you a generous advance, and the rights of which Paramount Pictures would outbid the rest of Hollywood for. Trust me. Lucky ointment: Zambuk.

LEO (July 23 – Aug 22)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. If you have any dealing with the Receiver of Revenue this year it will not be that you are informed that you have been over-taxed for the last 10 years, and sorry about the error, but here’s a sizable refund. That ain’t going to happen, pal. Lucky fish: Pilchard.

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 23)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. You know that raffle that you buy a ticket for, the prize being a whole sheep, slaughtered and packed to your requirements? Well, you’re not going to win it again. In fact I wouldn’t bother taking any raffle tickets this year. Lucky body part: Small intestine.

LIBRA (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. It’s unlikely but if the municipality gets round to fixing that pothole outside your gate, then the following week they’ll repair a broken pipe next to it, leaving a huge “gat” for months before resurfacing it. Lucky direction: North-east.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. You are not once this year going to find parking in Church Street outside the business that you wish to visit, that just ain’t going to happen. And unless you are a municipal councillor you are not going to be in a position to determine your own salary increase. Oh, you are a councillor. OK, let’s see if your increase is proportional to the actual work you
do (ha ha). Lucky condiment: Dijon mustard.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. Listen, I know you’ve always thought of yourself as an actor, but this is not the year when you are going to post a home movie on YouTube and be “discovered” by anyone other than your parole officer. Lucky number: 93½.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. About this year’s South Africa’s Got Talent programme, don’t bother to enter, OK? The truth is that your family and friends have been really kind, and you actually play the piano very, very badly. Also, and this probably applies to everybody, you will not have any more money at the end of this year than you had at the beginning. Lucky fauna: Aardvark.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. The municipality is not going to contact you via a personally signed letter from the mayor, and say that it has been overcharging you on your rates, sorry, and you need not pay rates for the next 15 months. Pigs will fly first. Lucky garment: Underpants.

PISCES (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Once again, you will not win the Lotto. You are not going to be unaffected by Eskom this year, it being the only enterprise in the world that produces a product and then asks you NOT to use it. Nor are you going to get the same salary as the Eskom executives. Lucky day of the week: Sorry, you’re too late, it was yesterday.