En Passant: A new job for a pensioner?

I HAVE A dilemma. Thing is, see, shortly I am going to be going on pension… I know, I know, I don’t look old enough to be a pensioner what with my slim and athletic physique, nevertheless, I am of a pensionable age and now should get a rebate on my television licence (as if that’s a compensation for getting old).

So anyway, with this in mind and bearing also in mind that being at home 24/7 I could very easily get under Doris’s feet, I’ve been looking around for some sort of gainful employment, nothing too taxing, to get me out of bed in the morning.

And suddenly, two job opportunities made themselves known to me, both of which are ideal, and that is my dilemma: which one should I concentrate on getting?

The first job made itself known to me when it was announced on the television news, that old Tokyo Sexwale was going to throw his name into the hat for the new president of FIFA. As I understand it, they have had to use dynamite and a front end loader to get Sepp Blatter out the presidential chair, but he has now gone and a new FIFA president is needed.

And if Tokyo can apply then there is no reason why I can’t apply, is there?

In fact, I reckon I have a better chance than old Tokyo because however much it is denied that we bribed our way into hosting the 2010 World Cup, it is undeniable that $10-million is “missing”, and Tokyo WAS a member of the local organising committee.

Listen, I’m not saying he had anything to do with it, perish the thought, but by association if it ain’t mud splatters that stick, it is something that is similarly coloured but smellier.

And the way I see it, Sepp’s reign ended with a huge scandal at FIFA; what they need now is an absolutely clean start, a start that makes even your Omo wash look dull.

FIFA, I’m your man.

But then, in last week’s Vryheid Herald, there was vacancy advertised for the position of Municipal Manager at AbaQulusi Municipality. Now this would be absolutely ideal.

This would mean that I would not have to move to Geneva. This would mean that I would not even have to fire-up Henry Ford (my old Cortina bakkie) to get to work. Hell, from my bed to the Municipal Manager’s office is half the distance of my bed to the Vryheid Herald, a strolling distance for a pensioner with a dodgy back.

True, the pay is not what I’d get at FIFA. No one knows (or at least the Internet can’t tell me) what Sepp Blatter was paid. It really is a horribly secret organisation (mind you, so’s the flippen municipality), which it shouldn’t be given that it controls world football, and makes every cent of its income from world football. But Sepp was very, very, very well paid, which might be the reason he wanted to hang on to the position.

Now, the Municipal Manager’s position here cannot match the FIFA president’s salary, but it is, nevertheless, not to be sneezed at. This salary, as a perk for a pensioner, would easily keep the wolf (and sundry hyenas) from the door. This salary would make me a very popular man down at the Spoeg & Spittle.

The total remuneration package is given as being between R954,421.00 and R1,265,163 per annum.

Work that out – it’s between R79,535.08 and R105,430.25 PER MONTH.

Yep, I’d be very popular down at the Spoeg & Spittle. I could walk in there and Ring the Bell, literally, Ring the Bell, which traditionally means you buy a round of drinks for the whole pub. I could ring the bell so vigorously that it would sound like the Catholic Church on the stroke of 12 at New Year. Ding-dong, drinks on me, give that man a Bells!

True, the advertisement for the Municipal Manager position outlines “Minimum requirements” and “Key performance areas”, most of which is just meaningless jargon – words strung together to sound clever. Seriously, what does this actually MEAN:

“Create an environment that defines the purpose and the role of the local government as a means to involve people in shaping the future of communities”?

Go on, read it again, slowly, thinking of the meaning of the sentence. It is one of the key performance areas. It’s unadulterated crap!

What really makes me believe that I could be a municipal manager is that at AbaQulusi Municipality we haven’t had one for the best part of four years, and we’ve survived! Isn’t that extraordinary?

It’s true! When the ANC came to power in conjunction with the NFP after the last election, they didn’t like the incumbent MM (‘cos he was appointed by the IFP), so he was “engineered” out. The resultant legal battles have cost you and I millions. They won’t tell us how much but trust me, MILLIONS of rands.

And in the interim, for the best part of four years, we haven’t had a municipal manager. They appointed another one, but he wasn’t carrying the right card so he never got further than his designated garage.

And I’ve said it before: the MM is like a ship’s captain – he doesn’t stoke the boilers, he doesn’t manage the galley, he doesn’t splice the mainbrace or cast off fore and aft. But he makes sure the boilers are stoked, supper is cooked, the mainbrace is spliced and the ship is cast off fore and aft.

I can do that.