Ten Things Tuesday – Ten ways to leave a posh function you didn’t want to attend
There are ways to escape that fancy function that you're been dreading
You know those do’s you just have to go to sometime… you try and get someone else to go in your place, pretend you have to attend a wedding in Honduras, but no, you still have to go…
With great fear and loathing off you go – but there are ways to make the great escape.
Here’s ten of them:
1. Always sit at the back of the hall. It is easier to slip through the exit rather than bump through tables and chairs from the front.
2. Walk rapidly away towards the exit with a cellphone pressed hard against your ear.
3. Get a friend to call you on that cellphone should number 2 fail.
4. Fake severe indigestion after consuming the starters. Explain that Rennies is in your car and you to go and get it. Don’t come back.
5. Get a friend to throw stones against one of the windows of the venue. Tell those at your table that you have heard that’s how criminals cause a distraction to commit their dastardly deeds. Then pop out and pretend to sort out said criminals.
6. Wait until there is a general movement towards the toilets – people, especially women, tend to move in packs to the toilet. Take advantage of this and simply slip out the door. Walk fast and never look back in anger.
7. Pretend to help out with the faulty sound system (if its Endumeni – the sound system and mics always trouble). Tell the MC you have to fetch a pair of pliers and never return.
8. Fiddle intensely in your camera bag; mutter to the person near you that ‘damn left my battery in the car’ and leave. Walk rapidly and do not look back in anger.
9. If you are really desperate do an Endumeni Municipality trick and get a mate to phone the venue telling them there is a bomb in the place. Remember: you could to go to jail, which is worse than the fancy do, probably.
10. Pay someone to go there in your place and let them pretend that he/she is you. This is number 10 because if 1-9 have not worked you are buggered – sit back and enjoy the do. Play on your cellphone and do the horses at Greyville via the Internet.
