The good, bad and ugly of “function attending”

For many years people have attended various religious functions for various reasons.
Be it to be one with your creator, or being dragged there by the ears by your grandmother, in the hopes a suitor will see you.
Over the years these reasons have evolved and taken on a whole new light.

Nowadays young girls attend these functions to get all dolled up, now I mean pulling out designer sarees, fake nose rings and even plastering on way too much Mac foundation. Now dressing up has never been a crime but it is when you post a picture of yourself at the function, with a hashtag #Imsoindianforgawd(GOD). This hashtag, among many others, can be seen floating around.
Young boys, also take up the dressing up, but not for the funny hashtags but rather to attract young girls. They spend hours shaving, gelling their bangs and even picking a less ruffian looking outfit to wear.

At the function, they literally stalk these girls, go home and discuss their progress over a glass of Oros. “Did you see her toes, damn Nik Naks has nothing on her.” “Ekse, I had this one pinned but then the aunty threatened to beat me with a sandal.” ” I was a hero, this stekkie with six inches almost fell, luckily I caught her and got a whiff of her perfume, ayi ekse, I was a hero.”
These are some of the snippets of the conversation you hear if you live with a teenage boy who has just attended a function.
But in all fairness boys don’t only go to impress girls but also because everyone knows aunties swoon over boys who attend these functions regularly.

They teach their sons to be more like the holy boys, and teach their daughters how to husband one. Sadly, what these boys do outside the temple or church grounds no one knows. Some find out when its too late, others in the nick of time.
The food is also a reason why many attend these functions.
This is why you see people make a bee-line for the food stalls without even being present at the prayer. Armed with Tupperware (Country

Fresh ice cream tubs), they wait and get edgy if you try to jump the line.
Gossip is also a pulling force. It is the only time you see a bunch of aunties huddled together, either in the food lines or while eating and discussing news.

Now these are limited to a few people. Others do truly attend for the essence of the prayer. But if you see a girl sporting a designer lehenga, a young boy stealthily arranging flowers so that it doesn’t obstruct his view, or people with Tupperware, you know what they came to do.