This is how a suitable advertisement for a municipal manager for the Tshwane metro should read: Metro council: Two vacancies: Municipal manager.
It will be hard for this candidate to follow in the footsteps of the person who previously held this position, as his footsteps have already been swept away by the winds of fate on the golf courses of this fair city.
This is not a full-time or permanent position in the sense that it will be performance-based over a period of time. It is rather a flexi-time position, with full benefits even during down time or during disciplinary hearings. Our metro has tremendous resources based on extremely gullible taxpayers who will keep on forking out the money, no matter what.
What, in fact, is needed, is someone with a typical Gestapo-like mentality who would walk over taxpayers to enforce new measures such as the name change, without worrying about what the majority of people might think. Heaven protect us against someone with a feeling for history and tradition, or even worse, who is sensitive to the feelings of others. We also need someone with a warped sense of history to follow in your predecessors’ footsteps, who stated that Jan van Riebeeck was responsible for naming this fair city ‘Pretoria’.
This person must also be aware of the looming elections, because he/she must be able to lie and make false promises without it effecting his/her conscience. The last thing we need is a sensitive, fair-minded person who wants to uphold the democratic ideals prescribed by the constitution.
The ideal candidate must also be highly adaptable to new challenges, in the sense that his performance might be adjudged before he has even taken up office and he might spend the first six months perfecting his golfing skills. So if you kindle a secret ambition in your heart that you want to perform honest, hard work with a resultant rise throughout the sacred metro ranks, do not apply for this job.
The suitable person must also have a firm handshake, for he is liable to shake many hands and receive the golden handshake himself. The ideal candidate must be highly flexible and able to organise various events and community-based functions. Your predecessor organised events like the launch of Operation Declaration of War on Hawkers and leading the mayor’s wife’s motorcade when she goes to fetch her laundry, and addressing the Grade 2s at Mother Hubbard Primary school on the dangers of unprotected sex. Suitable qualifications, real, false or imagined, must accompany the application.
Vacancy number two
Copywriter to write advertisements for metro.
