House rules for SuperRugby
This week's column details the house rules of watching SuperSport Rugby and what the writer expects of his better half.
The start of the SuperRugby season is around the corner. This will be the kick-off of a season of rugby bliss in front of the TV. This year I come well prepared, because I started training in the off season and at the moment I am fit to tackle three games after the other with my well-stocked cooler bag at hand.
The following are the house rules that all women, children and non-rugby fans have to observe. Just to prove that I am not a complete chauvinistic pig, we will also give women the opportunity to lay down their own rules.
During the tournament the television is off limits to anyone but me. The VCR and DVD and anything remotely associated with it are mine. If anyone takes even a glimpse in the direction of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I do not mind, as long as you do so crawling on the floor so as not to distract me. If you should decide to stand naked in front of the TV to see if I would notice, make sure you put your clothes back on immediately because if you catch a cold or get sick because of exposure, I will not have the time to take you to a doctor or look after you during the tournament.
There was a story about a woman who tried the above just as Stransky dropped his famous goal, which won us the 1995 World Cup. Her husband missed that kick. According to some reports she was recently seen hiding in Orania behind the Koeksister monument.
During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You must be out of your mind if you expect me to listen to your urgent requests, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby who just fell from the second floor. If you see that I am upset because of a poor refereeing decision or that my team has lost, refrain from saying: “Get over it, it’s just a game”.
Remember that you will never know more about rugby than me and your so-called words of encouragement or condolences will only lead to a break-up or divorce. The daily rugby highlights on TV are just as important as the game itself. Don’t even think about saying: “But you have already seen this … why not change the channel to something we can all watch.” The reply would be to refer to the first rule on the list.
No, you can’t borrow my credit card to fund you and your friend’s shopping spree while I am watching a game.
However, all is not gloom and doom. You are welcome to take the kids and spend a day at the zoo. A day at the zoo is usually a positive experience and seldom leads to negative outcomes. We will need every cent for the big celebration after the tournament, which we will of course win. In the unlikely event that we lose against a New Zealand or Australia team in the final, the credit card must pay for my psychiatric and trauma counselling costs.
