Is it acceptable for the woman to propose?
An experienced lobola negotiator, Freddy Moketla, says it's not tradition or a norm for a woman to propose to a man, especially in the African culture, though he says he has encountered a few situations where women did propose.
POLOKWNE – “In some cases, individuals who are currently married say that the woman proposed and the figure hasn’t climbed among couples who have wed in the last decade,” he told BONUS.
He explained that women who propose to men are not willing to pay lobola, unless they are wealthy, as they are not willing to take on the responsibility of having to pay.
“In the African culture, most parents want the man to propose and pay lobola and not the other way round, due to the pride factor involved. The payment of lobola is a significant element of marriage among the African culture and men are normally the ones that are supposed to pay, not women.”
Freddy goes on to say that the meaning and function of lobola is hotly contested among the youth. While the elders see lobola as a valued part of ‘African culture,’ some also view it as a financial transaction which necessarily disadvantages women, but it is marriage protocol and it’s extremely important for us to follow culture, otherwise the wedding will not be blessed and sometimes will not be accepted by the family if no lobola is paid.
Freddy puts emphasis on the fact that men should be the ones proposing and not women as men should be the head of the house and set certain rules and standards within a household.
“Of course this statement will sometimes have to be considered and compromised when it comes to same-sex relationships as there obviously has to be a fair agreement among the two families to see how they can accommodate the couple,” he added.
“For those who do not entirely understand the meaning behind lobola; it is justified as a way of thanking a girl’s parents for bringing her up and educating her, and this means both the man and woman are fit enough to take care of themselves and take care of one another as a married couple,” he concluded.
