Scripture:

 ^{Collisions 3:13} Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

There are many situations in marriage for which couples may need to forgive one another, including infidelity. Forgiveness is essential in marriage and it is also possible. To say that it is essential and possible does not mean that it is easy. It is not easy to maintain a forgiving attitude especially in situations where promises and trust are broken. The Bible is very clear when it comes to forgiveness and we don’t have to wonder what God think about it. He is the author of forgiveness and as His children we should obey His commandments. The Bible in Matthew 6:14-15 says “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. If we truly understand God’s forgiveness, we should do our best not to withhold forgiveness from those who have hurt us. All of us make mistakes; all of us have done things we regret and all of us need forgiveness. Therefore we must not withhold from others the same forgiveness we also need or will need at some point in our marriage life. I put to you that giving your spouse the gift of forgiveness has more to do with your relationship with God than your spouse. The Bible in Psalm 103:10b says, “God does not deal with us as harshly as we deserve”. The fact that your spouse has wronged you does not mean that you must deal harshly with them. We must be mindful of the fact that forgiveness is not granted because one deserves it but it is given out of love, mercy and grace.

Many marriages end up in divorce, simply because couples are not willing to forgive one another. This should not be the case. Although adultery is a biblical ground for divorce, a Christian’s goal should always be to save their marriage, especially if the adultery is not habitual. Remember God hates divorce and intends for marriage to last until death. Most couples who choose forgiveness are able to reconcile and save their marriage even after infidelity and their marriages turn out to be much healthier and fulfilling than before.

Advise:

For the forgiving spouse:

• Acknowledge your pain.
• In forgiving your spouse you must resist the temptation of comparing your previous mistake to theirs. You must remember that in God’s eyes there are no small sins. Jesus died for all sins.
• The Bible in Isaiah 43:18 says “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past”. Once you have forgiven your spouse you must resist the temptation to remind them of their mistakes.
• Continue to be civil to your spouse and never withhold conjugal righteous as a form of punishment. It will only give the devil a foothold. I understand that in the case of infidelity this may be difficult.
• Resist the temptation to pay revenge. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
• Resist the temptation to bribe your spouse for forgiveness – “do this and I will forgive you”. That is not true forgiveness.
• Admit your part in the situation.

For the spouse seeking forgiveness:

• Admit that you are wrong and do not make excuses or justify your actions in anyway.
• Do not rush or manipulate your spouse for forgiveness.
• Be repentant and show remorse while doing all that you can to regain your spouse’s trust.

For the couple:

• Pray together for reconciliation, healing and restoration.
• Seek counselling from someone you both agree on.

Prayer:

Father, In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray that you will grant your children the grace to forgive one another just as you forgive them. I pray that you help them to let go of bitterness, resentment and hurt. I pray that you may reconcile them, restore them and heal them. In the name that is above all names, Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

Rev T.L Mashiloane has been married for 21 years. He is an Ordained Minister in the Full Gospel Church of God in SA; and is the Presiding Pastor of City of Love & Restoration in Sasolburg. He is also the CEO of HospiVision. (www.hospivision.org.za). For further advise and counselling, please contact Rev Mashiloane on 082 579 4595 / revmashiloane@gmail.com