All in the flush

Since then, going to the toilet has become, I hope, a mindless exercise which, while done daily, takes very little thought or effort to pull off.
In your mind I am sure you believe you have mastered this most mundane of tasks.
But… you may be wrong.
Enter the washlet!
For years I have been going to the loo, unhindered by the mechanisms behind the porcelain, believing I knew exactly how this handy contraption worked.
That was until I met my match in the washlet – the toilet of choice it would seem in all Taiwanese hotels, well at least the two I stayed in.
Now not all washlets are created the same, or dare I say equal, but they are all quite vexing in their complicated design.
While using the loo isn’t generally a great topic of conversation, especially with people you have only just met, the washlet begs you to break with tradition – and some might say good manners – and talk about it effusively.
The day I encountered my first washlet, I had just arrived in Taiwan for a week’s visit as a guest of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
I was joining an eco-tourism tour designed to show us the ways Taiwan has tackled environmental affairs from air pollution to sustainable building materials.
Needless to say when I met the other seven journalists – each from a different country – “have you tried the washlet?” was the first thing everyone asked one another. No introductions, just interest in whether or not you had figured out how to use the loo.
Within seconds, while I did not know their names, the ice was broken and a great week was off to a good start.
But I digress, back to the washlet and all its glory.
Imagine, if you will, racing into the bathroom of your hotel room after almost 24 hours in airports and planes, waiting to go through customs in two countries and finally, with your feet on terra firma being able to take five minutes to just attend to this most basic, but necessary, function.
Now imagine that upon entering said bathroom you are faced with what looks like a regular bowl, but it has a huge remote, space ship control panel, protruding from the side.
This is the washlet.
But as I said, not all washlets are the same so while the first one I encountered had its space controls attached to the side, the second had the controls neatly placed on the wall.
Both of course required instructions – in Chinese and interestingly translated English – detailing the magnificent functions the washlet has to offer.
Needless to say, you need an advanced degree to do any business on this advanced toilet system where you can get a wash and blow at the touch of a couple of buttons – and with different strengths to choose from.

So, for those of you who may find yourself faced with this challenging bit of hardware, let me run down some of the funky functions of the washlet for you:
No dear reader, this is not for the faint of heart, so gird your loins and be prepared to be surprised… by your toilet.
1. Before beginning the affair, chose how warm you would like the seat to be for optimal derrière  comfort – yes, you not only have the option of a heated seat, but the correct temperature for your particular wants and needs – all fussy bottoms catered to here.
2. Do your business – that’s not in the instruction  but I am pretty sure it’s a foregone conclusion that, that is what you were in the water closet for in the first place so I am adding it to the list of instructions.
3. Choose the area you would like washed – there is an option for ladies or for the buttocks. You also get to change the wand position and the water pressure. Having selected the best option, wash away.
4. Now that you are clean, proceed to the drying phase where once again you are not without options “to blow warm air and dry refreshed.”
5. Finally you are done and ready to tackle the city.
So stand up, pull up your pants and take in all the wonderful things Taiwan has to offer, from interesting night markets to splendid temples.
PS: For those of you firmly attached to the Western idea of toilet paper, there is some provided for your comfort and a sense of familiarity.