There’s hope after a loved one dies
To join a support group contact Chantal Grotto or Matilde dos Santos from Toughlove SA Benoni Support Group on 082 372 3039 or 082 052 2269 or a toughlovebenoni@gmail.com
No matter how death occurs, be it through depression, accident, murder or any related natural causes, dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy.
ToughLove Benoni facilitator Chantal Grotto shared some background of her story and referenced some of her advice to Choma online.
Grotto’s story:
My partner was a pathological addict for over 30 years. What made his addiction even worse was that he hid it from the entire world.
Eventually, his battle came to an end with him taking his own life.
No one ever prepares you for that dreaded call.
“Please come to the hospital urgently,” said the nurse who called.
My instinct kicked in and I asked if my partner was okay, only to be confronted with the very same sentence – which I needed to get to the hospital post-haste. I knew it wasn’t good, but a part of me still had some sort of hope to hold onto that it would still be okay.
On arrival walking into the ward, there was no other way to present the news than simply advising me that my partner had taken his own life and that I needed to identify his body.
Never in 45 years had I ever been subjected to such a horrific experience. Though I can recall every moment of that day as clear as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I wish that day never happened.
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For the first time in my life, I was brought to my knees. I simply couldn’t take another breath or another step as I was consumed with grief and an outburst of gushing tears. No attempt at consoling me worked. I was lost in my own disbelief and despair. Haunted by the question: How could this happen?
In a second my life changed forever.
This was something that could not be undone. This was permanent. This was no error. This was real.
I would never see his face again. Never hear his voice or feel his heartbeat. How callous and cold death is and leaves you with nothing but pain and despair.
The beginning of my new life had just started and I had no clue what to do or how to recover from this tragic loss.
All I had were my tears, the sadness and disbelief of what was staring me in the face at death’s door.
I realised if I kept heading in this direction, spiralling into an abyss of overwhelming emotions, that my emotions would likely get the better of me, leading me down a dark path which could not be good in the long-run.
Eventually, we all come to a point where we have to face the death of someone we know. With death comes grief and often despair. These feelings, if not dealt with, often lead to emotional challenges and hurdles later on.
Here are some healthy ways to cope with your grief:
• Embrace your emotions
Keeping your feelings bottled up keeps you from working through them and finding the closure you need. Don’t feel embarrassed by them. Fully express yourself and know it’s okay to feel the way you do and to cry.
• Talk to someone you trust or a counsellor
Just like letting your feelings out, talking about them creates a place for you to heal and work through all the stuff going on in your head.
• Join a support group
Sometimes you need to feel part of a group to find the closure you need. Not only are you getting a safe confidential space to talk about how you’re feeling with people who understand it, but you’ll also benefit from the insights they have to offer. And, bonus, you might be able to help someone else in the process.
• Take part in rituals
When losing a loved one, it’s important to maintain the rituals in the grieving process, in the case of the death of a loved one, this helps us feel we gave them a good send-off.
• Preserve the memories
Focus on the good times, keep them strong in your heart, but be aware that you’re not fixating on the bad times.
• Don’t hide behind unhealthy behaviour (alcohol and drugs)
Chemicals don’t solve your problems or heal your pain, in fact, it just makes it a whole lot worse.
• Exercise
Get moving. Exercise such as walking, running and jogging pumps all sorts of feel-good hormones into your body, guaranteed to make you feel better.
• Sleep
It can be hard to get any rest when you’re grieving but your body needs the rest to avoid sickness and to be able to restore itself.
• Give yourself time
Ignore people who tell you to “just get over it”. Your feelings are valid and important to you and you need to take the time you need to heal from your loss.
To join a support group contact Grotto or Matilde dos Santos from Toughlove SA Benoni Support Group on 082 372 3039 or 082 052 2269 or at toughlovebenoni@gmail.com
