#DrugAwarenessWeek: Kate’s story

Not only is June Youth Month, but June 22 to 26 is also Drug Awareness Week in South Africa. The following true story of “Kate”, her life as a drug addict and her road to recovery was submitted by Narcotics Anonymous (NA).

Membership to NA is free, voluntary and anonymous. Contact them if you need help with drug addiction – www.na.org.za or phone the helpline on 0861 00 6962).

I did not have a problem I just enjoyed clubbing a bit much – so what? I picked up my first mind-altering substance almost 20 years ago – many blackouts, many binges, many men have followed.

In 1999 I missed my brother’s birthday party, it was a family affair including all three family members. I was at an after-party using and being unfaithful to my boyfriend.

When I did eventually emerge a day later I clearly remember having no remorse and being pleased that I had maximised my party.

Earlier that year I had to be rescued from Goa, India, where I had been travelling for five months and after some liquid acid one night, I had struggled for two weeks to integrate back into reality and called my mother in desperation.

When I reflect on the last 20 years it is now glaringly obvious that I was always out of control.

My first Narcotics Anonymous meeting dealt me the dawn of enlightenment: “Hi, my name is Kate and I am an addict.”

ALSO READ: Coping as a parent of a drug addict

Within 24 hours I had a diagnosis that I knew to be accurate and at the same time, I had been given the medication, the 12-step programme.

I had no prior understanding of addiction or narcotics anonymous – I was 32; well educated, well travelled, had a broad social network and very disillusioned.

During my first NA meeting, I did not doubt that this programme would help me stay clean. Faith had arrived instantly, without any explanations.

I learned more about my disease of addiction; drugs, sex, people and so the list continues.

I understand my addiction revolves around unhealthy relationships. `I got myself into dangerous situations, repeated the same behaviour expecting different results and had made countless fruitless attempts to end my addictive relationships.

I had to be honest, open and willing. I was encouraged to allow myself to be vulnerable and risk sharing my feelings. “I was here to get to know myself but what if that never happened?” This thought reduced me to tears for the first week and my honesty revealed that I was fearful that there was no me or even worse that no one would like the real me.

The tipping point was my life story.

It took me four weeks to write and an hour and a half to read. It was here that I realised the pain, sadness, chaos, dangerous behaviour, cycles and that my coping mechanisms would soon lead me to jails, institutions and death.

Putting down the drugs was the beginning of a life-long process that will explore who I am.
I have been clean now for over 10 years. I regularly attend 12-step meetings and diligently work on all aspects of this miracle solution.

My early years of recovery were more difficult than I anticipated. My drug addiction masked my insecurities and another addiction, an eating disorder.

The disease of addiction has a physical affliction, which is that when I pick up any mind-altering substance or start to starve myself I cannot stop: “one is too many and 1 000 not enough.

The disease also has an internal language that can best be described as a constant dissatisfaction with life. Until recently I truly believed that satisfaction would come from the outside. More degrees, a better job, a fancier car, more popular friends, my cousin’s husband – the list is endless.

I have now learnt that serenity is found in my heart.

I have an incredible lifestyle where I am a reliable friend, sponsor, daughter, sister and wife.

My life would not be possible if I was still using mind-altering substances and I have no illusion about this.

My healing and growth cannot happen in isolation and I need the support and tools of a 12-step programme.

The name of the road is spirituality.

My understanding of myself and the way I react to my environment is deeper and not short of any surprises. I am fortunate to experience moments of true acceptance, they pass, I cry, and then they come back again.

I recall a friend saying to me a few years ago: “So what do you do to take the edge off ?” I laughed, “Nothing! That’s the point!”

ALSO READ: Signs your teenager could be using drugs