Kathy’s Window: You’ve lost – where to from here?

An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.

AS a society, we honour winning and winners. They are celebrated for their hard work, skills and talents. While working as the sub-editor for four newspapers, Northglen News, Highway Mail, Berea Mail and Queensburgh News, I get to read all the articles. Many of the school and sport articles, and many community articles, are about those who come first or excel in their chosen activity. It’s the way our world works. That is how competition works. It certainly motivates people to work hard on their given activity. They want to excel. They set a goal and aim for it.

But what happens if someone doesn’t win a place or even comes last? I’ve been thinking about this concept and wondered what advice could be given to someone who is suffering from the disappointment, the sense of grief and the pain of loss. Interestingly, we also publish articles about people who beat the odds and make something of their lives after, for example, losing a limb or losing a dream.

Also read: Kathy’s Window: I can’t give up yet!

For some, it is harder than for others. For example, for Olympic athletes who only compete every four years, the opportunity to win a medal doesn’t come all that often, and a person may only get a few chances in their lifetime to take part before they are too old. And to win in the Olympics, the stakes are high as you feature as one of the best in the world in your activity. It must be devastating for those athletes who don’t win any medals. Maybe some are okay with it because they weren’t expecting much, but those who had geared up to win and didn’t would feel the pain. Do we ever stop and consider what that may be like? We often think of the joy and excitement that comes with winning but little about the life of the person who didn’t win.

Where to from here? If this was their last chance to win, and they’ve been working towards a goal for years, what do they do now? They may have to shift their whole focus or even their entire life around.

I thought I’d do a Google search and get some advice on how to handle this type of loss.

Here are some great tips on how to cope with competition loss:

1. Don’t let your thoughts spiral. Negative thoughts are natural when you’re in the low of loss, but some thoughts are actually untrue and can affect your mental health and also stop you from trying again. Examples of these thoughts are: “I’m a failure, and I will never succeed or do well at this or even anything.” Or: “All my work was worth nothing. My effort was a total waste of time.” And possibly: “I’ve got nothing else to live for, so my life is a mess now.”

One loss can open up the window to other wins. Losing in life isn’t always about the outward things. Winning is more about how you feel inside. If you can learn to work with the negative feelings of loss and find a way to grow from them, you can actually benefit from them.

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2. You are not alone. As alone as you may feel in the midst of others who have excelled – feeling like no one really understands how you feel, this isn’t true. Acknowledge that feeling, but consider that losing is part of the human condition and that many, many have lost so many times in many events and activities. Going through the loss can teach you empathy and resilience. Yes, you may have to let go of a dream, but that doesn’t mean your life or your soul purpose has ended. Pain actually connects you with others; it doesn’t disconnect you. You just need to learn to find common ground. As you show empathy towards others, you will find that deep connection.

3. Find a way to grow from your pain. Yes, you may never heal from it totally, but that’s okay. I had a dream about 20 years ago – to be a popular fiction writer and to have my books sold in bookshops and be read by many people. I worked hard on my writing. I wrote many books, and eventually, some got published by small e-book publishers. I worked with editors – and some of them weren’t kind. But I grew as an individual. I never became a bestselling author or had any of my books in bookshops. I hardly sold any copies of my books. And it hurt. Eventually, life took over, and I moved into editing instead as I realised I enjoyed editing my writer friends’ books. Now, years later, I realise that it’s a skill I have that benefits the world and also pays the bills. So, as much as my dream of being a popular fiction writer never materialised, I grew from the experience. I learnt tenacity and I also learnt how to be a good editor – well, I hope so. Maybe one day I will write a book that sells really well; I don’t know. I’ve had to grow from the loss. I haven’t let it define me and consume me. I know one thing – when I help authors get their books ready to be published – I’m gentle and patient with them – well, I try to be – because I’ve been there!

4. Make sure you’re not self-sabotaging yourself. In certain periods of my life, I’ve had people become jealous of my success in areas where I’ve excelled. It’s caused me to self-sabotage. (It’s something I definitely need to work on – yay to some shadow work as they call it.) In a scientific article published online in Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, in July 30, they explain about a study that was conducted on those who loved to win things and didn’t hate to lose things too deeply – they often did better in things. (Found in a Psychology Today article by Christopher Bergland, September 22, 2018.)

If you, deep down inside, don’t want to win, then it’s going to affect your performance. I know that I always feel bad if I win something, so it’s something I need to work on. I fear that people will think I’m arrogant and better than them, so I’d rather be mediocre. But those people who feel comfortable with winning are actually more receptive to positive life experiences and less prone to depression. Mmmh, food for thought, that!

We need to develop resilience towards loss – become used to it and not let it affect us as much. Then we will be more open to positive experiences in our lives. I want that! We should hold lightly onto winning, but when it comes, enjoy it for what it is.

5. Celebrate what you do have / have obtained. Yes, maybe you didn’t win or even came last, but you did it! You took part in something. You worked on a skill or talent. You put yourself out there and took a chance! That means, you grew as a person. The most wonderful thing is to celebrate your own progress. Even though you may go through ups and downs in your chosen activity, you are always learning from everything you do. And rejoice in the joy you find in the activity, the friendships you make and the wonderful experiences you gain.

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Also, know that you usually learn more from your losses than your gains. When you win something, you often just feel content with your success, but when you lose, you want to scrutinise what you did and find ways to improve. You are much more determined to do even better than you did last time. Losing is a way of winning! It’s a great teacher if we don’t hate it too much.

6. Make it your aim to lose well. Don’t blame others for your loss – that’s being a poor loser and doesn’t help you grow. Learn to work through your feelings. That doesn’t mean you have to rush through the feelings of disappointment and loss – feel all the feels as that’s the only way to heal. Don’t blame yourself for your loss – that’s another way to lose badly. Don’t judge and criticise yourself. You did your best. And even if you feel you didn’t – there is a human reason for that and accept it. Unconditional love towards yourself is key to building resiliency.

To all you ‘losers’ out there – you are truly winners. We all are!

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