Kathy’s Window: Loving your fat body despite society’s pressure to make yourself thin

An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.

I USED to love watching those makeover reality TV shows where the contestants changed radically from the beginning of the episode to the end. The one I enjoyed the most was called What Not to Wear where people would nominate a friend, colleague or family member whom they believed needed help in the clothing and presentation department.

There is something therapeutic about watching someone look their best – even those who aren’t particularly interested in style. They would be shining with confidence afterwards – from the inwards out.

Also read: Kathy’s Window: 8 reasons not to marginalise LGBTQ+ people

One of the main things with makeovers is that clothes are chosen that make a person look slimmer. That seems to be a big part of our culture – it’s important to buy clothes that are flattering to your figure. Fat is often touted as ‘unhealthy’ although there is weak scientific evidence to prove this. There is a correlation between fat and some diseases, but no proof that being fat causes those diseases. I think that the disease card is played as another way to make money off of fat people through the multi-billion-dollar weight-loss industry. If you’re unsure what I mean, I recommend reading some of Ragan Chastain’s or the Fat Doctor’s work.

I digress.

The biggest takeaway is that being fat is looked down upon. Fat people struggle with constant discrimination in job interviews, doctor’s offices, airlines, gyms, dating sites, etc. You say, “But, I’m just not attracted to a fat woman.” That feeling comes from our culture. It’s not just your natural preference. It’s been taught. And we are taught to take these thoughts inwardly towards ourselves.

Also read: Kathy’s Window: I danced with a world champ

So, how do we, as fat people, learn to love ourselves and feel comfortable in our bodies? How do we have a good body image when we’re fat? It’s not even easy to have a good body image when you’re thin. Somehow, our brains are wired to be extra-critical of ourselves – it’s a defence mechanism – an evolutionary adaptation to make sure that we make ourselves fit into the group to survive. So, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we tend to nitpick at ourselves, picking up all the ‘negatives’ we can find – and honing in on them – instead of looking at ourselves as a whole person with natural beauty shining out of us.

Think of when you have a loved one who is so dear to you – a beloved pet, a sibling, a parent, an aunt, a cousin – who is not runway-worthy or would win a beauty contest – but do you think they’re beautiful? Of course! Our one cat, Pluto, is really fat. (Yes, we are trying to do something about it as according to the current standing of veterinary science, it’s not advisable to be fat as a cat.) He was born with his one eye partly covered by the inner lid. But, to me, he is the most beautiful animal in the whole world.

That’s how we need to see ourselves – as whole beings that radiate love. And our faults and flaws are what make us uniquely us – those in combination with our supposed ‘assets’. Disclaimer: I’m not talking about bad flaws like abusive behaviour, etc.

So, how do we get to the point of seeing ourselves in a positive light? How do we build up our self-image? That is the golden question that I’m constantly striving to solve. I have discovered a few tips from listening to great podcasts by people/groups like Summer Innanen, Fierce Fatty and Fad Camp.

Body neutrality

The first tip is to take the stance of body neutrality. That means considering your body as just a vessel to house YOU. The body is a meat suit that contains trillions of cells and organs, blood, muscles and bones, all housed inside your skin. It’s what allows you to do all the things that make you happy and to complete the many tasks you need to do to survive in this world. It also enables you to hug and show affection to your loved ones and pets.

So, instead of seeing your body as a decoration or ornament for society – something that especially women have been made to feel like, and men are feeling this nowadays, too – you see your body as a functional machine you have been gifted with. It’s a mindset that helps you to not stand in judgement of your body but rather learn to appreciate it for what it can do for you.

Also read: Kathy’s Window: Why the Body Mass Index (BMI) is bull and racist

Work through body grief

Our bodies change – for many reasons. They change with age and things like puberty, pregnancy, perimenopause, post-menopause and disability. They change through sickness or dieting and when we break diets which are often difficult or even impossible to maintain long term. Sometimes, they get fatter. Always, they become older and more wrinkly. Trying to lower our energy intake or obsessively exercise to change its shape just isn’t attainable for many people. But that doesn’t take away from the feelings we struggle with when we realise our body doesn’t look like it used to. I mean, I used to be skinny and people used to compliment me, saying how lucky I was that I could eat anything I liked and didn’t get fat. You can read about my body changes in more detail in my first Kathy’s Window article: I was fatphobic, and now, I’m fat

The feelings we go through when our body becomes something we don’t want is actually a form of grief – body grief. And the best way to heal from grief is to work through it, one step at a time, patiently. Accept what you are feeling and don’t try to push it away. Acknowledge all the painful emotions that can come with a changed body – like shame, fear, disappointment and anger. Sit with those emotions – feel them and accept them without judgement. Then they will pass. The most important thing is to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you process that body grief. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time. And know that you may have to go through it again when your body changes again at a later stage. Very few bodies stay the same throughout our whole lives.

Unconditional love

On the subject of compassion – one of the keys to working on our body image is to learn to love ourselves unconditionally. A practice that I follow is to see my body as this separate entity, like a loved one to whom I show love despite their flaws and faults. I choose to love my body unconditionally no matter what size or shape it is. It’s doing so much for me. This ups my appreciation of this vessel I live inside and also teaches me to show unconditional love to my inner self, which is vital for mental and emotional health.

Develop your own style

Be uniquely you. Don’t let your dress style be predominantly to hide your fat. Rather, take a fat-neutral outlook. Pretend that society doesn’t deem fat as bad but rather as a unique beauty. Then work with who you are to find the clothes and style you enjoy. Wear clothes that you would never have dreamed possible. Do those things that you thought you would only do when you become thin. Get that piercing, tattoo, hairdo, outfit or whatever you want. Don’t stop living because you are fat. I love how Fierce Fatty (Vinny) believes that fat is beautiful and celebrates their fatness.

Takeaway

Working on our body image takes time and does not come right overnight. There are going to be bad days when you look in the mirror or at a photo of yourself and feel like crying or crawling inside a hole. Be gentle with yourself on those days – it’s normal to feel that way in the society we’ve grown up in that is steeped so deeply in anti-fat bias. But don’t stay there – work on finding a way to accept or love yourself for the amazing being you are.

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