Why search online when you can phone your auntie, who’ll WhatsApp her book club, who’ll send a voice note to someone’s brother in Benoni?
How do South Africans always know someone who knows someone who can “sort it out”? my friend asked over a glass of wine.
Interesting fact, I realised with a jolt. In South Africa, the most powerful phrase isn’t “I’ll call my lawyer”, or “Do you know who I am?”
No, the true magic spell is: “Don’t worry, I know someone who knows someone who can sort it out.”
It doesn’t really matter what the crisis is. Your geyser just exploded and turned your lounge into an indoor swimming pool, but someone will know a plumber’s cousin who once worked for a guy whose brother owns a hardware shop.
Boom – sorted. Need a driving licence appointment before 2028? Forget trying online bookings. Someone’s neighbour’s uncle used to date the aunt of a traffic officer who “knows the system”.
Suddenly, you’ve got a test date this coming Tuesday.
Even the small stuff is covered. Want fresh mielies at 10pm? Someone’s mother’s hairdresser’s boyfriend runs a side hustle at the taxi rank and can supply any quantity.
Need last-minute rugby tickets? Don’t stress – your colleague’s brother-in-law’s friend once fixed the Wi-Fi at Ellis Park and he “can definitely help you out”.
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Of course, I told my friend, this mystical network doesn’t always deliver exactly what you asked for.
The plumber’s cousin might arrive with only duct tape and a screwdriver. The rugby tickets might be in the nosebleed section with a view of a very large concrete pillar.
And that “sorted out” driving licence? Well, it may arrive laminated but spelt “Draiver Lecince”. Still, it’s progress.
What makes it even funnier is how South Africans trust this invisible web of connections more than Google.
Why search online when you can phone your auntie, who’ll WhatsApp her book club, who’ll send a voice note to someone’s brother in Benoni? Within minutes, your problem is “basically fixed”.
It’s our version of superheroes, really. In America, they’ve got Batman. In South Africa, we’ve got Oom Piet from down the road who knows a guy at home affairs. And honestly, he’s more effective.
I think we can safely say, whenever we’re in a jam, we don’t panic. We just lean back, take a sip of Rooibos, and say the sacred words: “Ag, man… I know someone who knows someone who can sort it out.”
Chances are, they probably can.
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