Two Bits – 28 March 2014

The extreme heat and humidity of the past eight weeks is thankfully over and we can now look forward to the best part of the year.
Sunny but cooler days, low rainfall, not much wind and low humidity combine to make the North Coast climate most pleasant. And the short, drier grass means the ball rolls further on the fairways, making golf a more satisfying hobby. The only challenge left is getting the ball on the fairways.
They say the current youth are the ‘selfie’ generation; the digital age has allowed people to obtain instant gratification and instant pictures of themselves with cellphone or camera. In theory we could have done ‘selfies’ with Polaroid cameras in our youth, but we’d have needed very long arms to get our faces in focus; modern lenses have an almost infinite depth of field, even if it means that your left ear and partner’s right ear look like elephant ear plants.
Touring around New York we seemed to be in the middle of a group ‘selfie’ orgy. Everywhere we went – on the Statue of Liberty ferry, on top of Rockefeller Centre – everywhere, there were kids taking pictures of themselves and their best mates. We thought ‘When in Rome . . ‘ and did our level best to take pics of ourselves with Central Park in the background. The results are too hilarious, me with my mouth screwed up trying to work out the angles, Rose with her mouth open issuing instructions. They made for a good laugh, but none of the pictures we would actually want to keep. But perhaps that’s outmoded thinking, wanting to keep the pictures. You just post them on Facebook or forward them to your friends and they’re worth a couple of weeks’ entertainment before you display the next lot. The passing show!
Anyhow, I wish I could have done a ‘selfie’ of my golf stroke on Saturday. Somehow, out of the blue, I played my best round in a couple of years. And sadly, utterly frustratingly, I have no idea how or why. So it goes without saying that next week I’ll be playing rubbish because I can’t work out what I did right.
Every golfer knows the million ‘swing thoughts’ that run through your head before you hit the ball – legs apart, grip firm but soft, wrist cocked, head back, did I lock the car, head down, follow through – but for the life of me I cannot tell the difference between the thoughts that result in a great shot and the thoughts that result in a duffer. I want a camera that takes a ‘selfie’ of my swing, then I can put them side by side and play ‘Spot the Difference’. The ‘Aha’ moment when I discover the golden swing will be most satisfying. And then I could take that camera and sell it to a billion frustrated golfers and be richer than Bill Gates.
The latest trend, I read while overseas, is ‘spoiling’ other peoples’ pictures by leaping into them at the right moment, or pulling a funny face in the background. It’s considered a great joke, the more serious the occasion the better. I suppose it’s no big deal doing it now, with digital pics costing nothing, but when I was a kid whenever I pulled a funny face during the annual family photo I’d get called ‘Bloody child!’ and get a clip around the head for wasting film.
* * *
A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain’s quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn’t move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess . . . with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. “Good move! Good move!” the parrot cried, “Nice! Nice!”
Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. “Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin’ against thar,” he said.
The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there.
“Ahh, he’s not so smart,” he replied, “I’ve beaten the blighter two out of three.”
“So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?” asked the pirate.
“Somersaults,” was the quick reply.
“Somersaults?” the pirate said, “That be incredible! How many would it be doin’ then?”
“That would depend on how hard I slap him.”