Two Bits -27 June

I am not quite sure who irritates me more at the moment, Professor Tim Noakes or Julius Malema.

One or the other, sometimes both, come up at every gathering and they sit at diametrically opposite ends of the scale.

On the one extreme Noakes is white, middle class, eminently educated and up there as one of the world experts on the subject of fitness and nutrition, on the other Malema is black, tenderpreneur class, poorly educated and a motor-mouth whether he knows what he is talking about or not.

One says eat as much fat as you like, the other says the people wish they had fat to eat.

I must say right up front that I have not read Noakes’ latest pronouncements on diet in detail. What I know about both him and Malema is what I read in the media.

For most of the 25 years that I called myself a serious runner, I had nothing but admiration for Noakes. I read what books were available by running experts. There weren’t many, but those that stood out were Arthur Lydiard and Noakes. The former was about technique, while Noakes produced a book that ranged from stretching to nutrition to training for Comrades. It was a great read and extremely inspirational.

I thought what he had to say about what you put in your mouth was mostly sensible. He didn’t say that you should pig out on carbohydrates from morning ’til night. What he did say was that an athlete, in the peak of training and in the days leading up to a race, should eat mainly foods like pasta and bread. For their energy content and not least because they don’t sit heavily in the stomach. But he didn’t reccomend you eat that way for the rest of your life.

I tried carbo-loading. It sometimes worked, but didn’t fit all situations. One of my favourite races was the Bergville to Ladysmith 52km ultra, and the night before I made a point of avoiding the carbo-load ‘chip buttie’ party the organisers arranged. Instead I headed for the Royal Hotel’s dining room where I had roast beef and potatoes in gravy. It was good fuel!

I’m sorry, but I simply can’t go along with his ban on all carbohydrates. No bread, no fruit, no mealies! No, no no! I agree to avoid sugar, but no pizza or potatoes? Life wouldn’t be worth living! As for high fat, well, I walk past the ‘low fat’ shelf but I don’t particularly like the taste of fatty meat.

Until anyone can prove otherwise, I reckon a Mediterranean-style diet – plenty of fresh vegetables and fruit, pasta, olive oil and lean meats – can’t be bad for you. Everything in moderation and a diet that you can live with for many years, not a flash in the pan that you’ll be heartily sick of in six months and then clean out the Ola icecream freezer in one fell swoop.

So Noakes got diabetes after following his own faulty logic and now says we must all change ‘cos he was wrong! Get back in your box, Prof!

And why is Wee Julius so irritating? For one thing, he’s got more lives than a cat. Just when you think he’s broke and bye-byes to jail, he cleans up his act and starts bashing Zuma in a way that even has the whiteys nodding along. Does he look worried he owes the tax man R16 million? Not a bit of it. Then, like him or not, the red beret and overalls touch was a brilliant bit of showmanship.

What he had to say about nationalising the mines, taking all farms away, jobs for everyone, was music to the ears of the poor, jobless and otherwise dispossessed. That’s how this self-styled “Commander-in-Chief” of the EFF raised a million votes in six months.

Julius has the gift of the gab and a flair for the dramatic. Though he and the truth are not necessarily on the same bus. Before elections he said politicians should send their kids to government schools and go to state hospitals. After he got his bum firmly on a parliamentary seat he just laughed when asked if he was moving his kid out of private school.

But what is irritating is the way everyone fears him as though he’s going to run the country tomorrow. He might have been a big fish in Limpopo, but he’s a minnow in parliament. His ability to shock will wear off soon and he’ll find it hard to keep upping his game all the time. Unless the government does something incredibly stupid, like stick him on Robben Island for 27 years. Mind you, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing . . . but make it Marion Island.

* * *

A tourist was taken on a guided walk around Lake St Lucia.

“Is it true,” he asked, “that a crocodile won’t attack you if you carry a torch?”

“That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the torch.”