Two Bits – I’ll give you Radical Transformation!

Hot on the heels of the news that Zuma has apparently lost the plot by firing finance minister Pravin Gordhan and replacing him and several others in the cabinet with a row of ‘yes men’, like those little nodding dogs that used to sit on the back shelves of cars, comes more startling news: the Western Cape High Court has ruled that it’s okay to smoke dagga in the privacy of your home.
Putting the two events together, I feel a conspiracy theory coming on.
President Zuma was head of the ANC’s MK intelligence unit for years. Some might say that’s an oxymoron, but let’s not quibble. He’s undoubtedly read Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’ and Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ and between the two of them, learned the ways of coming up with devious plots.
The judge responsible for the dagga ruling was Judge Dennis Davis. If you are familiar with his TV show ‘You be the Judge’ or something like that, you’ll know that he comes across as a happy-go-lucky, roly-poly sort of guy.
Now I think I understand why and it puts a whole new spin on the name ‘High Court’.
Between Zuma and Davis, they have come up with the answer to Abraham Lincoln’s dictum: ‘You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.’
Indeed you can, if we’re all lying on the sofa completely squiffy-eyed. In the language of the Sixties, we’d say: ‘Hey man, we’re cool with whatever you want to do. Just don’t hassle me, man!’ I think the modern equivalent is ‘Whatever!’ or something equally laconic.
There’s more. Think of the job creation opportunities! My theory sees endless possibilities with dagga forming the backbone of the Radical Transformation Plan.
Legalise the growing of dagga on a large scale. Forget the sissy idea of growing it for hemp, picture kilometre after kilometre of waving fields of Durban Poison, not unlike the present sugar cane, but worth a lot more.

The Dagga Party (yes, there is one) says there’s no need for fracking for oil. Burning dagga will solve all our energy problems. I think that might be stretching it a bit, but it could be worth a try. Better than digging up the Karoo.
Peasant farmers will be able to grow as much as they like, without any need for extensive education in the intricacies of modern agriculture. The African farmer has been growing the stuff for hundreds of years, can’t teach him anything there!
Imagine all those formerly productive farms that were handed over to land claims, only to fall into disrepair. They will blossom once again, ripe with the heady dust of cannabis pollen.
Imagine the job creation. Jobs will be created by the thousands, from working in the fields, to grading and sorting, to transporting, to packing and selling. A Dagga Joint can be set up next to every Post Office, providing jobs for all in the Youth League.
Then think of the export possibilities. Half of America and half of Europe – well, the Netherlands – has legalised the use of dagga. What do you suppose they know about growing quality weed?
Hydophonic dagga grown in dank Amsterdam cellars has had no African sunshine to give it strength. Holland’s hemp will be no match for a bundle of KZN’s finest.
There will be queues around the block. Our farms will be busy again. The shops will do a roaring trade. The ports will be hard-pressed to cope. The trade deficit will disappear. The people will be working. Cuba built a national industry on quality cigars, so what’s to stop us manufacturing the world’s finest spliffs? To complete the picture, imagine a huge sign on the hills behind Durban:
Welcome to Zollywood!
All those old enough to think about politics will be completely out of it, anyway. As a Radical Transformation Plan, it has no equal. Well, that’s my theory, anyway.
P.S. A word of caution. Dagga possession isn’t okay until Parliament changes the law, which might take a couple of years.
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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.