Two Bits – The Bakgat Test

I still have a picture in my head of Ballito being a little village.

Having started from a background of shopping locally in downtown Ballito or Umhlali, with occasional visits to Stanger or Tongaat, having all these malls in the area is like being in the big city.

No, that is a gross exaggeration! I was in Pretoria recently and that was too hideous – traffic, roads, malls, highways, toll booths. Nope, here is still very manageable.

But, moving around, I really do wonder at people’s parking habits.

I am a proud member of a very small society of Dolphin Coasters who have sussed out the secret parking spots.

For example, while people are queueing and jostling in the main parking lot, the raised parking area at Lifestyle is a breeze.

Ditto the underground parking at Tiffany’s, where there are seldom more than 20 cars in a space for 200.

The Junction is simply astonishing: people are fighting for space in the free area on the old Junction side while underground is like a vast, empty echo chamber during the week.

The free hour at the Junction is plenty for my shopping needs so I park where I want to shop (more or less, I’m still learning my way around) and am generally in and out well within the hour.

The few times that I paid, I’d have tipped a car guard anyway.

I think the congestion on the free end is caused by employees’ cars.

My suggestion to mall management is that shopholder employees should be given part of the belowground area, and the employers pick up the tab.

Okay, now, I have a special quality test of retail areas.

It’s called the Bruce And Keith Gelatinous Attributes Test, otherwise known as the Bakgat Test, so named because it was devised by myself and Keith Duane.

Keith and I have determined, over many years of experimentation, the essential requirements of this test.

For those who don’t know, ‘bakgat’ is an old army term meaning A1, top notch, absolutely the best.

Forget highbrow literature, the arts, the quality of politicians or the state of our economy, the true measure of the health of a society is its ability to produce a consistently good milkshake.

Recently Rose entertained a relative now living in the UK, who had been gorging on milkshakes at every opportunity during a trip back here.

You can’t get a decent milkshake anywhere in Britain, she said.

I remember from our time in the UK, 40 or so years ago, sheltering from the rain, sleet and snobbery, that you couldn’t get most of what we consider essentials – boerewors, Simba chips, Moni’s grape juice, Klipdrift – and the cherry on the top, milkshakes.

The place isn’t fit for human habitation!

Anyhow, the Bakgat Test states that a milkshake must look good, it must be presented in a traditional milkshake glass, colours must be rich, it must be super thick and, of course, it must taste brilliant. Price is also a factor, but not everything.

I tested Ballito and Umhlali a year or so ago, the winners being Gianni’s and Sage.

Recently I have been testing out the new side of The Junction.

Before anyone gets uptight with me, I have only been to the places that obviously sell milkshakes, that is, have milkshake and a price prominently displayed.

I skipped the bars and restaurants that look too fancy to just serve a milkshake. I always order the regular size and pay for them, like any other customer.

Right off the bat, let me inform the rest of Ballito/Umhlali that the bar has been raised!

There is some serious competition in the mall, so you’d be advised to pick up your game!

Let me start with Milky Lane.

Keith thinks the only flavour worth past his lips is lime and I mostly agree.

But I decided, what the hell, be a little wild this time and include other flavours.

Their strawberry shake was very thick and tasty, if a little sharpish, and a pity it didn’t come in the right glass. Price R26.

Steers served a good shake, perhaps a little on the thin side, and I enjoyed the banana flavour.

At R22.90 it is the cheapest in the new mall. The plastic cup is great for takeaway but, you know, standards are standards.

Mugg & Bean serve a superb shake. Right colour, thick and creamy, pity about the glass and on the small side.

No arguing about the quality, and so it should be at R33.90.

Long ago I described the Wimpy shake as the bog standard, the benchmark for shakes but not a winner.

Well, I have to eat my words!

My lime came in the right glass, colour was perfect and so thick I thought my head was going to conk in like a plastic bottle, I had to suck so hard.

It was also sprinkled with little marshmallows and Smarties on top of whipped cream, which gave it a real festive air.

Keith doesn’t care for them, so sprinkles are not part of the criteria, but I just took a fancy to the splash of colour.

The price of R29.90 is pushing it, but it edged out the others as the most satisfying shake of the new Junction. Well done, Wimpy!

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Isn’t it just sick-making to learn that the abhorrent White Monopoly Capital is a slogan manufactured by a PR agency in the pay of the Guptas to take the heat off them and JZ!

To think that a white-collared bunch of busybodies can sit on their fat arses in London and, for the incredible fee of more than R1 million a month, come up with slogans that endanger the lives and livings of millions in SA!

I know they’ll justify it to themselves by saying it’s just business. If I ever meet some sanctimonious idiot from the firm of Bell Pottinger I swear I’ll give them a slap in the chops. And say it’s just business.

More fool the masses who mindlessly chant out this WMC slogan, fuelling fear and loathing between the races.

We need the peace and optimism of Mandela and Tutu for everybody in SA to progress and prosper, not more hate.

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A huge congratulations to Barry Holland of Dolphin Coast Striders on his awesome record of 45 Comrades Marathons. Training and races combined, he’s probably pounded out upwards of 100 000 km on the road.

The man is a machine!

And to his wife, Debbie, on her 20th (are you chasing his record, Debbie?), and all North Coast runners, veteran and novice, who ran on Sunday, well done!

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Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way. The other half doesn’t have the money to buy the drugs.