Letter: Softness is not a sign of weakness

Melville Enduduzweni Community Centre social worker, Mondli Ngema, writes:

I’m blessed to be working with children daily.

It is such a fulfilling and precious job.

Every moment with them is memorable.

You can tell when they are happy, sad, angry, anxious, hungry and with an experienced eye, they show when there’s something bothering them.

With the recent rise in violence and abuse against women and children, I’m struggling to not think of the worst. Perhaps I should start here. 

Violence against women and children has been going on for aeons and has undeniably constructed in society a culture of “if it’s not me, then why should I bother?” and just like how the world suddenly realised that cashiers are essential workers. We are now beginning to steer a ship that long sailed, but with everything that’s lost at sea, there’s a possibility of getting it back. 

With the issue of violence against women and children, we have no choice but to have all hands on deck and steer the ship to its right course.

We need to expose the perpetrators, support victims, break the cycle of being in denial and be active in our efforts of creating a sphere where pedagogy addressing this matter is as relevant and effective. 

Enough with the calling out of men.

‘We’ clearly can hear you and see newspaper and TV headlines and you can’t undo learned, engraved and toxic behaviour in a short space of time.

Question is, how relevant is the content of our conversations right now regarding the issue?

What’s with the bystander effect?

What are hands doing on the ears when the eyes can see the violence? You claim to never hear the cries, but you certainly did see her scream for help. 

My worry is that the men who are toxic are very influential on young boys.

The very same young boys who are chasing young girls, violently courting them and being frustrated at a refused consent. What’s next?

An angry young boy who will do anything to prove himself to his peers and his ‘influencer’. Next thing, he rapes. Gets the satisfaction he needed.

And what about my precious little girl who will cry herself to sleep every night not knowing who to talk to? I worry a lot about my little girls. 

We are all responsible for the society that has bred man, who effortlessly struggle to utter the words “I love you” with meaning, when as a nation we need to feel the warmth of the very same people who are not affectionate and supportive towards their own sisters, wives and children. 

I’m talking to men who hear cries of women daily in their neighbourhoods, but never have the guts to confront the perpetrators, yet share a drink or smoke with the perpetrator the next day.

Men who see girlfriends in high school girls.

Men who rape the elderly.

Men who see women as objects because they are so subjected into believing that they are superior in all aspects and never even consider hearing women out. It’s a shame! 

Men have evidently grown to suppress their tenderness and vulnerability, hence, the perception with many of them that softness is sign of being an overly diluted ‘drink’.

A sign of weakness. And we seriously need to change this.

This is learned behaviour. It affects the holistic functioning of men.

We need a change in linguistics of men that is heavily associated with broad and uninterrupted masculinity. Whilst doing so be supportive of men who show vulnerability and not dress them in a masculinity coat. 

I would love to see all men and young boys depict untamed tenderness, love reciprocation, unwavering support, gallantry to be in awe of, be vocal and active, be paragons of all things constructive, healthy and progressive and most importantly, show the greatest of care to all women. 

To all women with cords that fed the very same men who are beating them to the pulp, your cries aren’t falling on deaf ears, your scars are visible enough for all to see and those who can hear and see will avail themselves at assisting you break the cycle.

You are beautiful. Capable. Strong. Striking. Fearless and Bold. Speak out and we will reach out. 

To all those working with the young and vulnerable, especially girls, please make it a habit to regularly check on them. They can hear and see all that is making headlines and they are anxious and more vulnerable than ever before.

Our young girls and women deserve better!

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