I can’t believe how easy it was to renew my car licence at the Umhlali Post Office. I walked in, found no queue, received service with a smile and was done in three minutes. If only they could issue passports as well.

On the other hand, I couldn’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was …

No, okay, joke aside, I have had it up to here with call centres and chatbots. Some companies will do absolutely anything to avoid speaking to their customers. Give me a real person, like the staff at the post office, any day.

Microsoft has to be the worst. It leads you through a maze of “For sales, press 1; for support, press 2 …” options, but never asks whether you have a different type of problem. It simply returns you to the top of the menu. If I could run all my programmes on Linux, I probably would.

My bank’s call centre is near the top of my hate list. A fairly routine enquiry about an issue with my credit card turned into a marathon game of ping-pong, with the card division transferring me to the fraud division, cutting me off, then the fraud division telling me I had to deal with the card division before cutting me off again. Thirty minutes of my life I will never get back.

However, I must give the bank’s fraud division credit for being excellent when I queried a possible scam. A scam that nearly got me into trouble with my wife.

We were driving back from the Drakensberg on Sunday when I received a call from a woman claiming to be from the Absa card division. I was immediately on my guard. The call was on speakerphone, so Rose was listening too.

This is how it went:
Scammer: Are you aware that the cellphone number linked to your banking app has been changed?
Me: No.
Scammer: Have you given anyone access to your phone?
Me: No.
Scammer: Did you know that R4 600 has just been paid to Hollywood Bets?
Me: No.
Scammer: Do you want the payment stopped?
Me: No.
Scammer (irritated): Why are you saying ‘No’ to all my questions?
Me: Because I don’t believe you.

(Phone disconnects.)

Then Rose launched into me.

“Did you have to be so rude to her?”

I replied that I knew she was a scammer. Maybe I was curt, but what else should I have said other than ‘No’? And why should I have been nice?

Apparently, it wasn’t that I had only barked ‘No’; it was my tone.

It seems a ‘tone’ is not acceptable, even when dealing with someone trying to steal my money!

Then she said: “Because you have probably shattered her confidence. She will feel bad all afternoon!” I can never be entirely sure when Rose is winding me up or being serious.

Anyway, the man I immediately phoned in Absa’s fraud division could not have been more helpful. He confirmed it was a scam and that no money had been withdrawn.

Whew! I really would have been in trouble if that woman had genuinely been from the card division.