The troubles and turmoil at The Kremlin (a.k.a. Endumeni Municipality) in 2014 were well documented.
But what of 2015? A clairvoyant disguised as a gypsy – seen at the entrance to Dundee – was engaged and this is what he/she came up with during a secret meeting conducted at Donald McHardy dam where a plain brown paper envelope was handed over:
January: All workers fired last year return to work with a huge party. Residents complain bitterly about the trash left outside the Moth Hall. Crisis Centre cashes in on the waste. Coronation Park parties on.
February: Municipal waste truck starts to pick up refuse at midnight. “It’s too hot at night to work and besides the overtime is great,” explained one work at a secret meeting in Coronation Park.
March: Parking meters painted orange.
“Every visitor laughs at the 20 cents we have to put in so we thought, what the hell, let’s give them really something to laugh at.
Anyway, once e-tolls are put up on Victoria Street, they won’t be laughing,” said the same source while sipping a brown liquid from out of a green bottle. Human Rights party starts in Coronation Park.
April: With so many public holidays, the Municipality decides to close down for the month. Huge Easter party in Coronation Park. Man bites dog.
May: With no water or electricity, the Municipality is saving millions on sending out accounts for non-existent services. Strangely enough no one really notices as everyone has a generator and everyone drinks and bathes in Amstel. Party continues in Coronation Park.
June: Too cold for the municipal refuse truck to operate so refuse removal will be done on the 32nd of every month. Winter party at Coronation Park.
July: Dundee July Horse Racing Festival costs us R26-million. Fortunately, with little to do at the Kremlin as there is no water or electricity, some bright spark municipal employee spends his time playing the Lotto and he hits the big one and wins R56-million.
However, he is kind enough to donate half to his employer – only fair considering he played his ticket during working hours.
School holiday party continues at Coronation Park.
August: Crisis Centre feeding scheme moves to in front of the Municipality.
“You can’t beat them, so join them,” growls Carol from under her big sun hat. Wind blows party from McPhail Park to Coronation Park.
September: Council spends R36-million on Heritage Day as another employee wins the Lotto.
Frik and his traffic officers are pleased with their new Ferraris they drive around in, thanks to the Lotto, but are unhappy with all the potholes. Spring parties hit Coronation Park.
October: Feeding scheme moves to Dundee Secondary School. Kids do projects on malnutrition and three are chosen to study medicine in Kosovo. They all decline. Party in Coronation Park for no reason…
November: School exams start and the Municipality – in an act of kindness – keeps all libraries open for 24-hours to allow students to study. Students say, thanks but it is fine – we already know the answers. End of school year party at Coronation Park.
December: Municipality spends R84-million on Christmas decorations. Residents leave in droves to Utrecht – apparently there is water there. Buffalo River full but no one knows how to switch on the pump.
Christmas party in Coronation Park, which is green, – not John Deere green but Heineken green.