So it came to be that the monkeys of the world called a meeting of the animal kingdom.
Now Lion was not too impressed. From time immemorial he has been King and he had no need for monkeys to get clever and call a meeting without his OK.
Fortunately, being a new year, Lion was still pretty serene so he let it ride this time.
Anyway, all the animals arrived for the imbizo which was not sponsored by Nandos. Rhino was grumpy as he was just sick and tired of all the talk about his horn and ordered the monkeys to get straight to the point.
“This Sparrow woman from KZN is driving us nuts. Why on earth is she on about monkeys?
“When last did she see a monkey on the beach?
“The humans chased us away years ago from the beaches and no one says anything about that,” rasped a rather large vervet.
There was a twittering of outrage from the bird contingent who objected to the use of the word Sparrow. “We are gonna sue. They are giving our species a bad name,” cried an angry bird of uncertain heritage.
Lion roared. “Still. You all sound like humans at their bloody Parliament in Cape Town. Order, I say.” Strangely, unlike the humans, the animals did listen.
“Now,” said the vervet, “We propose a mass class or species action against the humans. Firstly, for lies – we were chased off the beach before the National Party started making black and white beaches – and secondly, for defamation. We don’t litter. Only humans, of all colours, do that.”
Lion stroked his mane thoughtfully. He called on the wisest creature, Owl, to fly in and give a legal opinion.
Owl was not impressed either. Being nocturnal, he had no time for day time meetings.
With a yawn and a stretch he fluttered down and perched on the branch of a majestic baobab tree that looked down on the gathering.
“I have been overhearing your squawking. Firstly, I am also not happy with these humans.
“Some people think we make cute pets. We don’t. We are owls. We don’t like people.”
“Get to the point, Owl – I have to go hunt just now,” grumbled Cheetah, eyeing a springbok with interest.
“According to the animal rights constitution, chapter 3 (a) of section B, paragraph (iii) states that no animal should be segregated against, defamed or compared to a human – which of course, coming from chapter 2 B, section 7, decrees this as the ultimate insult to any species which is not human.”
“So we sue?”, questioned Lion, his yellow eyes narrowing. “As soon as. Get dolphin (he has the best handwriting and humans like to pretend that they talk to them) to draw up the letter of demand to the international court of justice. Demand that the entire KZN coast revert back into animal hands, failing which the humans can expect a mass invasion into their houses.
“The flies are eager to invade as it is. As are the ants. Also, demand that all those who use our names in vain be sentenced to spend time behind bars in a zoo and let the human children throw ice cream at them. Thank you.” With that, Owl flew back to his nest.
“Okay, that’s it. Meeting dismissed. We sue at dawn.”
And with that, the animals went back to being animals.