I loved how alcohol affected me. It numbed all the torment in my brain. I had new friends, the older kids. I was cool finally! If I could have stayed cool, I’d still be drinking. Very quickly, though, I started getting into trouble.

Going to sixth grade was getting in the way of my life, which at this point consisted of getting drunk as much as possible. When I was 11, I was put into what I assumed was a mental hospital. I was relieved that I was crazy. Crazy is cool. I realised much later that the place was a rehab.

I did resolve at this time that I didn’t want to ever be in any institution ever again. I would do everything in my power not to be locked up. Every time I promised something, I couldn’t follow up with action. Sometimes I was sincerely going to change my ways, and I couldn’t. Now I understand that it was alcoholism. I would promise everything, but I’d never admit that drinking was the culprit. If I admitted that, then I would have to stop.

I was in a bunch of institutions. The last one was a group home. I had a choice to go to a rehab, but I thought I wouldn’t fit in there (drinking wasn’t my problem; it was my family). I was terrified when I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.

However, I was told the guys in AA were cute, so I went. The speaker talked about how he used to drink at night and pray that he would not wake up in the morning. His first thought was: “Dear God, I have to go through this another day.” He said he felt like the only person in the world who had ever felt that way.

I was aghast because I felt I was the only person in the world who had ever felt that way. So I was 13 and going to AA meetings. Everyone was older than I was, even most of the kids at the young people’s meetings. But alcoholics in general find reasons why they don’t belong. It could be religion, it could be class, and it could be race.

Mine was age. But I found that alcoholics understand other alcoholics. It was upsetting to find alcoholics who understood me, because that meant I was an alcoholic. And if I was an alcoholic, that meant my family was right, and that really sucked.

I was taken through the Steps, and found I had the same experience as everyone else had when they went through the Steps. I have found that because of the spiritual principle of anonymity, regardless of how young or old or “special” I am, in AA, I’m just a drunk.